


Would Things Be Easier If There Was A Right Way? (Honey There Is No Right Way)

by MidnightsVioletHaze



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Infidelity, Love Triangles, M/M, References to Drugs, Unhealthy Relationships, but these aren't main components of this fic, drugs and alcohol are mentioned and addiction is mentioned, jk but i'm trying, look i'm actually posting something for the first time in ages, mentions of abuse, more modern thorki cuz i'm trash like that, new year new me, omg these tags make it seem like a super dark fic but it's not?? just kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-09-13 22:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9145528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightsVioletHaze/pseuds/MidnightsVioletHaze
Summary: Thor looked away, but that smile stayed with him, burned into the back of his eyes.He would never quite forget it.





	1. Year One: Thanksgiving (Prologue Part I)

The first time Thor saw him was his second year of university on Thanksgiving. He’d made the trek back home looking forward to a cozy dinner with his family only to be surprised that his younger brother wasn’t there to greet him with an enthusiastic tackle.

“He’s meeting the parents,” Frigga said with an amused smile when Thor asked. “He went over for lunch, but he’ll be back in time for dinner.”

“Meeting the parents?” Thor echoed, mystified. This was the first time he was hearing of this. It made him feel guilty, like he hadn’t been keeping up with his younger brother as well as he thought.

When Thor went to put his bag away he couldn’t resist taking a peek into the room across from his, finding it in disarray. Shirts and trousers spilled out of the closet, thrown haphazardly across the bed, the desk, the floor, every surface really. Thor suddenly had a vivid image of his younger brother pacing the room, trying on every shirt-and-trouser combination wanting to impress. The thought made him smile wistfully, wishing he had been there to sit him down and give him brotherly advice.

By the time he was climbing back down the stairs the front door was opening. Thor almost ran forward to grab his brother in a headlock, but faltered because his brother wasn’t alone.

“Thor!” Baldur cried, bright blue eyes lighting up when they fell upon him.

Thor grinned back distractedly, unable to keep from glancing at the dark haired boy unraveling a gold scarf from around his neck.

Baldur noticed his attention and seemed to brighten even further. Grabbing the other boy’s hand, a slight blush rose to Baldur’s cheeks as he said, “This is Loki, my boyfriend.” He stumbled over the last word, as if it were a new development, but the warmth in his voice was unmistakable.

Loki, a tall slip of a boy with wide green eyes that stood out vividly against his thin, pale face blinked benignly up at Thor. “Pleasure,” he drawled through thin lips. He held out his right hand expectantly and Thor took it, giving it a brief shake.

“Nice to meet you Loki,” Thor said. “I’m Thor, Baldur’s older brother.”

Loki’s eyes had already slid away to focus on Baldur even as he said, “So I’ve heard.”

Before Thor could even think to reply, Frigga was calling out, chiding them for lingering in the hallway.

Throughout dinner Loki was a point of interest. Frigga was more tactful about her attention, but Odin stubbornly stared down the younger boy and Thor feared he wasn’t much better. As for Baldur…Baldur too couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off Loki, but certainly for different reasons altogether.

Loki answered Odin’s grilling and Frigga’s genuine interest eloquently and thoughtfully with almost no intonation. His focus was on science classes and that was what he planned to pursue in university, though he had a soft spot for literature. No, he didn’t play any sports, but he was head of the debate team. He was a vegan, and thank you so much Mrs. Borsson for taking the time to prepare an alternate meal for him. Yes, Baldur was the first person he had brought back to his family.

All in all, Loki came across as a quiet bookworm, nothing particularly remarkable about him. Though Thor was relieved that his brother had chosen such a safe partner, he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Baldur saw in Loki, with his almost sullen disposition and typical hipster pretension.

Loki volunteered to help Frigga with the dishes and Thor took this opportunity to pull Baldur aside for a little brotherly chat. They stepped onto the porch and took a seat on the steps. The sun had already fallen below the horizon and sky was dimly lit with its last rays.

“So, meeting the parents? Must be serious,” Thor teased lightly. Sit-down dinners with the girlfriend’s family had been avoided at all costs when Thor was in high school. Then again Baldur had always been the nicer Borsson.

Baldur ducked his head in a shy nod. “Four months and counting,” he said, almost bragging. Thor’s baby brother was adorable.

“How’d you meet?” Thor asked. When Frigga had asked at dinner the answer had been clearly abridged: they met in the library and Baldur immediately asked him out.

 “At the library, like I said. Loki was tutoring the quarterback as a favour. It wasn’t going well and he looked like he either wanted to kill himself or the jock.” Baldur laughed. “Loki looked…” he trailed off with an awed smile, “…miserable actually. Murderous. And I…I wanted to see what he would look like when he smiled. So then…this is embarrassing. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Baldur bashfully covered his face with his hands but he was still grinning at the memory. “I walked right up to their table, interrupting some complicated calculus equation, and I told him he was beautiful and asked him out for coffee.”

Thor barked out a laugh and Baldur jabbed him in the side with his elbow, but Baldur is laughing too.

“He looked so offended! Shot me down cold. It took two weeks for me to wear him down.”

“Two weeks! You must really like him, huh”

“I really do,” Baldur says with no hesitation.

It wasn’t until later that evening when Odin had retired to his office to smoke and Frigga was calling up their oversea relatives that Thor walked into the living room after cleaning up the kitchen to witness a private moment between the two teenagers.

They were sitting next to each other on the couch; a TV show was playing in the background, but neither boy was paying it much attention. Instead Loki’s face was turned towards Baldur, dark head resting against the arm Baldur had thrown across the couch. They were speaking quietly, whispers crossing the short distance between their lips. Then Baldur said something that made Loki smile, the first one Thor had seen on his face all night.

It wasn’t the reluctant, shy kind of smile Thor would have expected.

Rather it was wide and unapologetic. Mischievous. Full of life.

It was a stunning smile.

And then Loki leaned forward to boldly slide his parted lips across Baldur’s.

Thor looked away, but that smile stayed with him, burned into the back of his eyes.

He would never quite forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly already so annoyed at how this story is going to be split into parts/chaptered. I also may have to update the warnings/ratings as we continue.


	2. Year One: Summer (Prologue Part II)

That summer Thor got a job in his hometown at the local hardware store. He took as many shifts as he could. He didn’t necessarily need the money, but was eager to fill the time not spent hanging out with friends.

Loki, it seemed, had become a permanent fixture at the Borsson house. Frigga absolutely doted on him and even Odin seemed grudgingly impressed.

Baldur was smitten.

Thor felt a bit out of place in the new dynamic, coming home to find Loki watching a movie with Baldur in the living room, helping Frigga with dinner in the kitchen, having a shrewd discussion about politics with Odin.  He tried to make up for it by getting to know his little brother’s boyfriend, the memory of that smile still fresh in his mind. But Loki remained reserved, almost cold, towards Thor.

In fact, though he was kind enough to Frigga, the only person Loki seemed to relax around was Baldur.

As was to be expected, Thor told himself.

So Thor stopped trying and took longer hours at the shop and spent most nights crashing at friends’.

It was past midnight and Thor was driving home, passing up sleeping on Volstagg’s couch because he had work the next morning and had no desire to wake up at four AM in order to grab a shower and a fresh uniform from home before the start of his shift.

After parking his car in the driveway, Thor sluggishly turned off the ignition. He sat there for a few minutes, tired. Suddenly a movement caught Thor’s eyes and his foggy mind quickly became alert, wary of a break in. Instead he saw Loki, clothed in an overly large sweater and tight jeans despite the summer heat, climbing up to the second storey in a practiced manner.

Curious, Thor leaned against the steering wheel and watched avidly.

Loki rapped his knuckles against Baldur’s window, closed in order to not waste the air conditioning. The knock was surely too light to wake a heavy sleeper like Baldur, but it only took a few minutes for the window to open.

Baldur’s honey blond head appeared briefly before disappearing. Loki moved towards the open window haltingly, but stopped short of entering. This time Baldur’s entire upper body made an appearance, leaning towards Loki as they spoke.

Loki seemed not to know what to do with himself. His body swayed forward and back, neither leaving nor entering. Finally, when he seemed ready to climb back down, Baldur leaned forward and grasped his arm. He pushed back the loose sleeve to reveal a pale forearm that nearly shone in the moonlight.

Thor started, hands gripping tightly around the steering wheel. Even from one storey down he could see the darkening bruise on Loki’s forearm.

Yanking his arm out of Baldur’s grip, there was a precarious moment where Loki almost toppled off the roof. Then Baldur steadied him and Thor let out a relieved breath.

This time Loki didn’t pull out of Baldur’s grip, though he continued to stay tensely in the same position. Baldur spoke again, reaching out to brush his hand against the sharp edge of Loki’s cheekbone and Loki’s posture finally loosened.

Loki smiled then, not the brilliant one Thor had seen before, but a softer, sweeter version that was no less striking. He allowed Baldur to guide him into his room, the window shutting closed behind him.

Thor sat there for a moment longer, staring up at that window but seeing a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short, I'm in pain. It'll get longer once we get past the prologue!


	3. Year Two: Fall Semester (Prologue Part III)

Thor was sketching out a portico that he knew his professor would label grandiose when his phone rang. He frowned, but after checking the ID abandoned his assignment.

“Baldur, hey, what’s up?” he asked, tapping his pencil against his desk absentmindedly.

“Do you think long distance relationships can work?” Baldur’s words were rushed out and strained.

Thor stilled. He dropped the pencil and scooted away from his desk. “Is this about Loki?” he asked.

Baldur and Loki were past the one year mark and, at least from Baldur’s side, seemed pretty serious. With university applications coming up, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on.

“I have my heart set on Alfheim,” Baldur said, “And I thought Loki did too, but…”

“Alfheim has one of the top science programs, doesn’t it?” Thor asked rhetorically. If Baldur was surprised that Thor remembered a detail that Loki had only mentioned on his first night meeting the Borssons, he didn’t voice it.

“It does, but apparently Loki’s thinking about law now. He’s considering SHIELD.”

Thor drew in a sharp breath. “He wants to come here?” he asked dumbly.

SHIELD wasn’t too far from their hometown and neither was Alfheim, but they were doubly as far from each other.

If Loki came here then…

“…the music program at SHIELD is pretty good,” Baldur was saying.

Thor blinked, trying to catch up to the conversation. “Baldur, you’re not thinking of just following Loki are you? Yeah, music’s not bad here, but in comparison to Alfheim? It’s shit.”

“…it’s not that bad,” Baldur mumbled.

“It’s shit,” Thor repeated emphatically.

Baldur sighed noisily into the receiver, a rush of static greeting Thor’s ear. “Yeah.”

“You can’t come here because you’re afraid of being away from Loki,” Thor said, feeling unsettlingly like their father.

“Yeah,” Baldur murmured again.

Thor rubbed at his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Baldur,” he started softly, reassuringly, “Look, I don’t claim to know Loki that well, but…I’ve seen how he looks at you. Long distance is hard, I’m not going to lie. But…I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“You think?” Baldur asked nervously.

Thor thought of those arresting smiles that only Baldur could evoke. “Yeah,” he said.

Baldur didn’t say anything for a few minutes, letting the silence hang companionably between them.

“So how long did you spend freaking yourself out before you decided to call me?” Thor teased, breaking the silence. He was relieved to hear Baldur laugh back.

They talked for a while and Thor asked after their parents and Baldur’s friends. He didn’t ask about Loki, but he didn’t need to: Baldur talked about Loki without prompting.

As they were saying their goodbyes, Baldur hesitated for a moment and then said, “Hey, Thor. If…if Loki ends up going to SHIELD…will you look out for him?”

“Huh?” Thor blurted out, surprised.

“It’s just…if I can’t be there for him, I’d feel better knowing that you were.”

Thor grappled for words before attempting to laugh it off. “Come on, Baldur, you haven’t even started applying yet.”

When Baldur didn’t say anything, Thor sighed. “Yeah, of course I will. _If_ he does end up coming here. You don’t know for sure.”

“Thanks, Thor.”

Scrubbing his hand against the scruff on his chin, Thor looked back at his unfinished sketch. “Don’t mention it.”

After hanging up, Thor shook his head. With one last glance at his design, he stood up, dialing a number on his phone.

“Tony, tell me about the party you’re going to tonight…”


	4. Year Three: Fall Semester/Christmas

Loki did end up choosing SHIELD. Baldur decided to drop him off before heading up to Alfheim and, naturally, this meant Thor got roped into helping Loki move into his dorm.

Upon seeing that all of the rooms had personalized name tags taped to them, Loki rolled his eyes so hard Thor was surprised they didn’t fall out.

“What the hell kind of name is Thanos?” Loki murmured to Baldur, looking at the door on the opposite side of the narrow hallway.

Thor busied himself with setting down a few of Loki’s boxes; he was clearly not invited to participate in the conversation.

Baldur chuckled in response, pulling Loki close with an arm around his waist. “What kind of name is Loki?” he pointed out.

Loki elbowed Baldur playfully, a wide grin stealing across his face.

Standing in the closet-sized room, it was the closest Thor had ever been to that smile that wasn’t meant for him.

Clearing his throat, Thor waited until they remembered he was there, Loki’s smile sliding off his face. “Do you need help unpacking?” Thor asked.

Loki looked at him with sharp green eyes, his face set in its perpetual sullen frown. “You don’t have to go to that much trouble,” he said.

Thor shrugged a bit awkwardly. “It’s no trouble.”

Loki glanced at Baldur who grinned reassuringly. “You heard him. What’s the point of knowing a senior here if you’re not going to take advantage of it? You two can start without me; I’m going to brave the communal bathrooms,” he joked lightly.

An almost suffocating silence settled upon the room when Baldur left. Unable to stand it, Thor reached out for one of the boxes. “Why don’t we start –”

A cool hand gripped him around the wrist.

“Not that one,” Loki said in his usual dull voice, looking down at the box rather than at Thor. Through the dark strands of silky hair Thor could see the tips of Loki’s ears pinking

Thor’s brain stuttered to a halt. What exactly was in that box?

Swallowing roughly, Thor waited until Loki remembered himself enough to snatch his hand back.

“No problem,” Thor appeased. “How about this one?” he asked, pointing to a larger one on the floor.

“That’s fine,” Loki said, still not meeting his eyes.

“Those weren’t sex toys or anything like that,” Loki said a few minutes later. “I wouldn’t care if you saw those.”

Thor turned to look at him and couldn’t help but huff out an amused breath at the almost childish pout on Loki’s face. “I don’t doubt it,” he said.

“It’s just…” Loki looked over his shoulder at the empty doorway. “There may be some pictures in there. Of someone. A blond someone. _Maybe_. And I might have stolen that person’s track sweater. Among other things,” Loki confessed.

There was something incredibly endearing about Loki then and for a moment all Thor saw was his younger brother’s boyfriend who was clearly head over heels about him and everything felt so easy.

“I won’t tell, Thor promised solemnly despite the grin tugging on his lips. “And, hey, give me your phone for a second.”

Loki looked up at him warily, but pulled out his phone and handed it over without comment.

Entering his information swiftly, Thor held it out to Loki, explaining, “I put my number and address in there. If you ever need anything – to talk, or just some place to crash – call me or come over, okay? It doesn’t have to be a life or death situation, just if you need someone, I know I’m not the _blond someone_ that you were talking about, but I am a someone who happens to be blond and I’ll be around.” Thor laughed at his own stumbling words. “What I mean is…well…you get what I mean, right?”

Loki appeared completely bewildered and he just stared at him, long enough for Thor to feel embarrassment start to creep up on him.

And then there was just the slightest quirk to the corner of Loki’s thin lips. His green eyes softened almost imperceptibly.  “Yeah. I get it,” he said, reaching out to take his phone back. “Thanks.”

It was the first smile Loki had given to Thor. It made Thor’s breath hitch and suddenly nothing about this felt easy. Thor fumbled a moment later, realizing he hadn’t let go of Loki’s phone and Loki was looking at him with bemusement.

“It’s nothing.”

* * *

The first semester passed by without incident. For the first few weeks whenever his phone buzzed or there was a knock on his door, Thor’s heart would leap to his throat, but it was never Loki.

Thor skipped Thanksgiving due to his heavy course load, but as winter break rolled around Baldur called him up.

“Loki won’t ask, so I’m going to do it for him. Could you give him a ride home if you finish exams close enough?” Baldur asked.

“I don’t have his number,” Thor admitted and so Baldur sent it to him in a text.

Feeling more nervous than the situation called for, Thor wrote and rewrote the text a few times before finally settling on:

 

  `         [You know, the advantage of having a friend with a car is getting free rides – Thor] `

 

Loki took seventeen minutes to reply.

 

` [We’re not friends.] `

 

Thor berated himself for the wording of his text.

 

`            [A friend of a friend then]`

 

`[Baldur and I are a little more than friends] `` `

 

Loki’s next response followed in quick succession:

 

`[But I suppose I can’t in good conscious turn down a free anything as a broke university student]`

 

Thor huffed out a laugh that was more relieved than anything.

As it turned out, Thor finished his exams four days before  Loki, but he didn’t let on, guessing that Loki would be difficult about it if he knew Thor was going to wait around an extra four days for him.

Forty-five minutes into Loki’s last exam there was a sharp knock on Thor’s door.

Thor opened his front door to find Loki leaning casually against his suitcase, his usually slicked back hair falling messily around his face, dark shadows beneath his eyes. It looked like he’d been up late cramming.

“That was fast,” Thor said, opening the door wider in invitation.

Hesitating for a moment, Loki edged forward with a sigh. “It was multiple choice,” he said by way of answering, “I checked it over twice.” He stood stiffly in the entrance. “Will we be leaving now?”

“Uh, yeah. I didn’t expect you so soon, but I’m all packed. Just let me grab my things,” Thor said. He ducked into his bedroom and when he came back he found Loki staring at one of the many photos on one of the shelves in the living room.

Walking up behind him, Thor’s face flushed with embarrassment when he realized exactly which photo Loki was looking at. “It’s a good photo,” he said when Loki looked at him with a raised brow.

And it was. Frigga had sent it to him when he’d missed the past Thanksgiving. She’d somehow corralled Odin, Baldur and Loki into taking a photo with her. They were seated on the family couch in a line: Loki, Baldur, Frigga and Odin. Loki was holding Baldur’s hand, smile small but true.

“You’re not in it,” Loki voiced cautiously, as if he expected Thor to resent the other being with his family when Thor couldn’t.

“Yeah, makes me sad I missed out. But in a good way, you know? It reminds me of home.”

Loki looked up at him as if Thor were an oddity he couldn’t quite figure out.

“Let’s head out,” Thor said.

The drive home was about five hours long. Thor allowed Loki to have free reign over the music; Loki hadn’t quite smiled, but he’d looked pleased. After Thor’s attempts at small talk failed to land, they spent most of the ride in silence except for the music drifting in the background. Whenever Thor asked if Loki wanted to take a bathroom or lunch break, Loki always shook his head resolutely and so they made it back home in record time, though it was still late when they pulled into town.

“Take a right up here,” Loki said dully, leaning his head heavily against the window.

Thor ignored him, continuing to drive straight past the turn.

Loki turned his head, frowning. “You missed it,” he noted dryly.

Thor thought back to how much time Loki spent at the Borsson house over the summer and said, “You know, you can just spend the night at ours. Unless your parents are waiting up for you…”

He saw Loki bite his lip out of the corner of his eyes. “They’re not waiting up. But I don’t think your parents would appreciate me staying over.”

Thor didn’t say _“It’s not like it would be the first time you spent the night.”_ Instead he went with, “Baldur’s already home and I know he’d appreciate it. And my parents will be asleep. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

When Thor dared to take his eyes of the road he saw Loki looking back at him with wonder in his eyes and a disbelieving smile. “Really?” he asked.

Thor couldn’t help but return the smile. “Really.”

They found Baldur sitting on the porch when they pulled up to the Borsson house. Thor occupied himself with emptying the trunk as Baldur scooped Loki up into a tight embrace.

That night as he went to bed, Thor ignored the sounds carrying over from across the hall.

Instead he thought about that smile, the warmest one he’d been on the receiving end of yet.

* * *

Winter break sped by with Loki spending nearly all his time at the Borsson house. This time Thor didn’t have work to busy himself with and he was pretty sure Frigga would never forgive him if he spent most of Christmastime with his friends rather than with the family, so he found himself finally getting more acquainted with Loki.

If Thor were to walk in on Loki reading by the fireplace, no longer would Loki tense and curl up in order to take up less space. When Thor wandered into the kitchen one morning to find Frigga, Baldur and Loki making gingerbread cookies, Loki didn’t avert his gaze as Frigga asked Thor to join. Instead he peaked out from under his lashes, waiting for Thor’s response.

They became accustomed to each other’s company, after a fashion. They were never truly alone. Loki and Baldur were just about joined at the hip and if not Baldur, then it was Frigga or, more rarely, Odin acting as a buffer.

But when Baldur was dragging them outside to have a snowball fight and build snowmen, when Frigga was forcing all three of them into hideous sweaters and arranging them into poses for a photo, when Odin was ordering them about as he made his famed crepes, when Loki was starting to initiate conversations with Thor…it felt like progress.

The drive back to school was considerably more comfortable and when Thor reiterated his offer to be an open ear should Loki need it, he truly believed that he’d gotten through to the younger boy.


	5. Year Three: Winter Semester/Spring Break

One week into the second semester Thor awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of his doorbell ringing. He was perhaps not as surprised as he should have been to see Loki standing outside bundled up in a sweater he recognized as Baldur’s and his ever-present black skinny jeans.

I know it’s late…” Loki started with pleading eyes, but Thor was already ushering him inside.

Loki turned down Thor’s offer of coffee, but accepted the hot chocolate. He sat on Thor’s sofa, long legs curled up under his chin, thin fingers wrapped around a mug that he had yet to drink from.

“Loki,” Thor said, waiting until bloodshot eyes met his own, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. If you need to spend the night, then let me just get my bed ready and I’ll grab you a spare toothbrush and something to sleep in.”

Thor started to rise, but Loki’s hand gripping the corner of his shirt stopped him.

“I…” Loki took a deep breath, eyes shut, fingers still curled around Thor’s shirt. “I have an addictive personality. If I like something…I have a tendency to go overboard with it. I found that out in high school with alcohol, but it never got too bad. Here…there’s this guy, Thanos – he lives across from me. He has these pills that he offers me when we go out to clubs or concerts. They’re good – the pills, I mean. Too good.” Loki drew in a stuttered breath and Thor took a seat beside him, careful not to dislodge Loki’s hold on his shirt.

“With Baldur so far away…it’s difficult enough to say no once, but Thanos can be kind of pushy and…I can feel myself giving in and I just – I can’t fuck this up. I need the grades. And I don’t…I don’t trust myself to…stop.” He finally met Thor’s eyes then, awaiting harsh judgment that Thor had no intention of passing.

“Hey,” Thor murmured soothingly. He laid his palm flat against the back of Loki’s shoulder and rubbed it back and forth slowly. “That’s really…it’s amazing that you can recognize that in yourself. It’s important and you made the right decision distancing yourself from it.” Thor nearly growled in frustration, feeling like he was being the most patronizing dick about the situation, but Loki was looking up at him with wet eyes and an earnest face. “You’re…you’re amazing, Loki,” he said before he could stop himself.

The smile that quirked Loki’s lips was sardonic, obviously aimed at himself in a self-deprecating manner. But he was sharing it with Thor and so Thor added it to his collection of smiles.

They sat in silence as Loki drank his hot chocolate and then Thor guided Loki into his bedroom refusing to listen to Loki’s protests. Thor’s heart was caught in his throat when he shut his bedroom door on Loki curled up in his bed with the word _Borsson_ emblazoned on his back and a borrowed pair of pajama pants too loose for his slim legs. He stood there for a moment, back against the door before steadfastly walking into the living room to spend the night on his couch.

* * *

It took another week after Loki’s first visit for the younger boy to come by again. It was in the dead of the night once more and he looked paler and more shaken than before.

The time after that it took only three days. The fourth time was the very next night.

It took three more for Thor to convince Loki to apply for a dorm switch, partly because Loki was stubborn and partly because Thor was reluctant to lose Loki’s company. He had begun to look forward to sitting at his coffee table with Loki, each working on their own assignments in a comfortable silence. Had begun to look forward to Loki’s derisive comments on his eating habits which had resulted in Loki bullying Thor into a grocery run where Loki commandeered the shopping cart. Had begun to look forward to the few tidbits of personal information Loki would let slip out during inconsequential conversation.

But a week after Loki had sent in his request, he was granted a new room in a new dorm and so their shared nights came to an end.

Except eight days after Loki moved into his new room, he showed up outside Thor’s door with two bags of groceries.

“As thanks,” Loki insisted.

They made dinner together for the first time that night, bumping into each other often in Thor’s miniscule kitchen, but laughing about it.

“It’s kind of off,” Loki commented once he’d tasted a spoonful of the borsht they’d made following his family recipe. “The mushroom broth base substitute might not be ideal.”

Thor shrugged. “Tastes fine to me,” he said, spooning it out into two bowls with two thick slices of onion bread each.

“You wouldn’t know the difference,” Loki shot back, an undercurrent of teasing in his voice.

Chuckling, Thor conceded. “Fair enough.”

They ate eagerly at Thor’s dining table, too focused on food to converse, but about half way through the meal Loki spoke up. “Did…Did Baldur get the chance to call you yet?” he asked.

Thor faltered at his younger brother’s name, spoon falling into his bowl with a splash. “U-Uh, no. Why do you ask?” he said as he wiped at the spilt drops of borscht with his hand.

Loki made a face at that. “It would have taken you three steps to get to the paper towels,” he scolded with little heat in his voice. “I don’t think it’s supposed to be a surprise or anything; Baldur’s going to be driving up here during spring break.”

“You’re just going to hang around here for break?” Thor asked.

Shrugging, a private smile crossed Loki’s lips as he swirled his spoon around in his soup. “Pretty much everyone will be gone somewhere, so it’ll just be the two of us. We haven’t really had a lot of alone time in a while. It’ll be nice.” Then, as if he had just realized how sentimental he sounded, Loki blushed and changed the subject. “What about you? What are your plans for spring break?”

Thor tightened his grip on his spoon, the metal digging into his palm. “A friend of mine has a cottage that a bunch of us will be going to. Most of us are in our final year, so it’s difficult to make time to see each other. It’ll be nice to have a chance to catch up…”The words were all true, but they felt like a lie. Thor had pretty much forgotten about spring break. In fact, though Thor was an extrovert and the workload that came with his final year of undergraduate studies had been killing his social life, he’d found himself missing his friends less and less in the past month.

Loki nodded, going back to his meal with a contented smile, unconcerned that he wouldn’t see Thor for over a week.

For the first time, Thor found himself not only admiring the tilt of Loki’s lips, but also resenting it.

* * *

When spring break came around Thor allowed Baldur to convince him to put off his trip to the cottage by one day so they could hang out, having not seen each other since the New Year.

Thor really had missed his brother, but found it difficult to enjoy his company as Baldur had insisted on Loki’s presence.

Loki treated Thor differently with Baldur around. It wasn’t a dramatic difference: he paid a little less attention to Thor, eyes constantly drifting towards Baldur. Perhaps it was for this reason that Thor found himself acting differently as well, suddenly hyperaware of every word he said, wondering if they came across as inappropriate. Whenever he would begin to reach out, to brush a friendly hand on Loki’s shoulder or back, he would stop himself halfway through. Luckily, Loki and Baldur were too focused on each other to notice Thor’s aborted attempts and general awkward behaviour.

It was with great relief that Thor said goodbye to Loki and Baldur and set off for Tony’s cottage.

He threw himself into socializing with his friends. He joked and laughed and drank and danced. He swam and tubed and jet-skied. Anything to fend off the listlessness that had settled about him.

He flirted with fervor, quickly falling into the familiar dance that he and Jane Foster had been doing since freshman year. There had always been an attraction between them, but the timing had never quite worked out.  

They fell into bed with each other on the last night and when Thor drifted to consciousness to see Jane smiling down at him, her hair mussed and eyes clouded with sleep, he noticed that at least her smile didn’t cause his stomach to twist with a mixture of nerves and self-loathing.

No, her smile didn’t make him feel anything at all.

* * *

School resumed and so too did Thor’s dinners with Loki, but things were different. Tense.

And it wasn’t purely due to the lovesick fog hanging around Loki’s head, the younger boy still floating on cloud nine after a week spent with Baldur.

“Thor, is something…going on?” Steve asked between huffs of breath as they jogged at a much faster pace than usual. “Thor?” he said once more, insistently.

Blinking out of his single-minded focus, Thor slowed his pace and Steve easily matched him.

They tried to work out together at least twice a week; it was an easy way to keep in touch despite their busy schedules. Occasionally Sam and Natasha would join them as well, Natasha less often than Sam because she found their routines unimaginative.

“It’s just…the future,” Thor sighed eloquently when Steve continued to look concerned. They slowed to a walk, cooling down and allowing their muscles to relax.

Steve quirked a brow, unconvinced. “I thought your professor had been talking about having a place for you in his firm…That’s a pretty great thing to look forward to when you’re graduating.”

Thor frowned heavily up at the sun. “I’m not going to be joining a firm. Father and I talked over Christmas, about the family company.” He turned towards Steve. “And I just got approved to get my MBA here at SHIELD.”

Steve stared up at him with sad eyes. “Man, I’m sorry,” he said. He knew enough about Odin and Thor’s relationship by now than to say anything else.

Thor accepted the consoling hand on his shoulder with a grim smile.

“Want to do another lap?” Steve asked after a moment.

Thor nodded.

He got home from the gym late that evening and so when Loki arrived at the door Thor was fresh from the shower. He let the younger boy in, smile coming a little easier after the intense work out followed by a satisfyingly scalding shower.

“What?” he asked, confused, when Loki did nothing but stare at him with wide eyes from the doorway. Thor followed his gaze and managed to catch a stray drop of water with the towel around his neck.

“N-Nothing,” Loki said, clearing his throat and walking brusquely past Thor into the apartment. His cheeks were dusted with pink and Thor could only follow him into the kitchen like a puppy.

Thor was sautéing the onions while Loki chopped carrots more aggressively than called for when suddenly there was the clattering of the knife falling against the counter.

“What’s wrong? Did you cut yourself?” Thor asked worriedly, at the same time that Loki blurted out, “So are you going to tell me why you’re acting so strangely, or do I have to guess?”

Thor blinked, turning to face Loki, but the younger boy kept his head downturned towards the cutting board.

“It’s just annoying…when you zone out in the middle of conversations…that’s all,” Loki said in a purposefully disinterested voice. It was only the fact that Thor could see Loki’s fists clenching and unclenching at his sides that gave away the lie.

Thor felt a swell of emotion that Loki had noticed that something was wrong. It was expected that his friends would know something was up, but Loki was…Thor didn’t know exactly what Loki was to him. But apparently Loki cared enough to be…concerned?

It was stupidly flattering.

“My father wants me to take over _Borsson & Sons_. He allowed the architecture degree because it would look good, but being the head of a construction company is more of a desk job than you’d think. Instead of joining an architecture firm, I’m going to be getting an MBA.” Thor sighed. “I want to design buildings, not sit around in meetings negotiating the contracts involved.”

Loki was looking at him now, thin lips pulled into a grimace. He reached out hesitantly and pressed his hand against Thor’s arm. Loki’s skin was cool to the touch, but Thor felt it like frost burn.

Too soon Loki was pulling his hand back and returning to chopping the carrots with a more reasonable amount of force.

“ _Fathers_ ,” Loki commiserated. It made Thor wonder.

Thor stood there lost in thought until Loki’s irate voice knocked him out of his reverie.

“ _Thor_. The onions.”

Eyes wide, Thor stared in dismay at the stringy brown mess in the pan.

Loki huffed. “Well, I suppose caramelized onions will add an interesting dimension to the stir-fry.”

Thor nodded absent-mindedly. His thoughts kept straying to the simple touch of Loki’s hand, the sympathetic frown on his face.

Loki’s frowns, Thor realized, were nearly as captivating as his smiles. At least when given to Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying TT_TT. School is hard I almost forgot to post this. Read through it again quickly, hopefully there's not any typos.


	6. Year Three: Summer

At the end of the school year there was no need for Baldur’s intervention and Loki approached Thor about driving home together on his own. It took some pressing, however, for Loki to agree to let Thor help him move his things from his dorm room to his new single bedroom apartment.

Thor had just renewed the lease on his own apartment as he was going to be staying at SHIELD for his MBA. It wasn’t unexpected that Loki had undergone the apartment hunting process without informing Thor, but it still stung. Thor didn’t dare allow himself the foolish fantasies of them living together, but it would have been nice to help Loki look for a place. To make sure that it was suitable, safe. Perhaps somewhere not too far away from Thor’s own place.

As it turned out, Loki had actually picked an apartment building just three blocks from Thor’s. It was a little run down, as most cheap student housing tended to be, but was in a safe area and looked clean enough.

“I want to get everything set up before we leave,” Loki warned. “I’ve no intention of having to deal with unpacking right before classes start up again.”

Thor shrugged. “I don’t mind.”

He reconsidered his stance on the matter later, when it turned out that Loki wanted to scrub the whole place down. It took nearly an entire day to get the apartment up to Loki’s standards and to put away all of his things.

They decided to leave the next morning. After arguing over who should take the only bed – Loki insisting that Thor needed it more as he would be driving while Thor refused to put Loki out of his own bed – the night ended with the compromise of them both camping out on the living room floor. They piled all of Loki’s sheets, blankets and pillows into a makeshift mattress and settled down a comfortable distance from each other.

But sleep did not come.

Thor felt alight with Loki resting so close to him, the thought of missing even a moment of it inconceivable. And he could feel Loki’s restless movements beside him, proving the other boy awake as well.

“Loki, what’s wrong?” Thor asked, his voice a whisper in the dark room. He half expected Loki to feign sleep, but, either due to the security that the darkness provided or as a testament to how far their relationship had come, Loki answered.

“It’s…odd. Being here. Knowing that it’s mine. That I’m going to living on my own for the first time,” Loki said quietly. “It’s exciting. But I won’t even get to enjoy it for another three months.” There was a tone of melancholy in Loki’s voice that tugged on Thor’s heart.

Turning around, Thor stared at Loki’s back. Most of the younger boy was covered by a blanket, only the smallest tuft of black hair visible. “When I told you that you could count on me if you ever needed someone…I didn’t mean just while we’re here at SHIELD. Anytime. _Really_.”

There was a pregnant pause before Loki shuffled around in his blanket cocoon, his eyes now looking at Thor though the rest of his face remained covered. Loki didn’t say anything, just looked at Thor with those eyes that he knew to be green, though the colour was indeterminable in the low light. His eyes looked wary, but hopeful.

And then they crinkled up just slightly at the corners and Thor knew Loki was smiling.

They fell asleep facing each other.

* * *

Summer break began and Thor faced the next three months with little enthusiasm. Odin was having Thor shadow him at work in an internship that was really training to one day take over Odin’s job.

It was only his first week at the company and already exhaustion was settling deep in his bones, stemming from a complete lack of interest and motivation in the job. He was ducking out of the building for lunch, the one oasis in his work day, when his phone sang with a text notification.

Thor winced, glancing around, and silenced his phone before checking the message. His heart sped up when he saw the sender.

` [Loki: Come to the roof] `

Thor stared at the message uncomprehendingly.

` [Thor: ?? I’m at Borssons rn] `

` [Loki: I know. Hurry up.] `

Filled with a mixture of confusion and elation, Thor took the elevator up to the top floor. He then had to take another staircase that led him to the roof door, which was locked with keycard access.

He pulled out his phone again and typed out another message.

` [Thor: Im here but its locked] `

Waiting for a response, Thor was startled when instead the door opened to reveal Loki.

Overcome with delight, Thor unthinkingly pulled Loki into a hug. “Loki! What are you doing here?” he asked. Loki was stiff in his hold and so Thor started to release him, embarrassed, but stopped when he felt Loki’s hand pat the back of his shoulder. Loki’s fingers curled there, unsure, before he pushed himself out of Thor’s embrace.

“That was a little excessive,” Loki complained, his eyes not quite meeting Thor’s. “You saw me just yesterday.”

That was true, but only in the periphery. Loki and Baldur had been holed up in Baldur’s room, surfacing only for dinner. Thor should have expected it, but he had foolishly let himself hope for some of Loki’s attention this summer.

Thor laughed quietly. “Sorry. I’m dying here and seeing someone else under forty is the highlight of my day so far,” he excused.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Loki said with a little shrug, turning and walking back further onto the rooftop. “Of course, I’ve only been here since eight this morning, so…”

Thor followed him onto the roof, but stopped short when the door began to swing shut and caught it with his hand. “You didn’t answer my question. And how did you get up here?” Thor called as Loki walked further away from him.

“Leave the door,” Loki said, spinning around to face Thor even as he continued walking backwards. He waved his right hand, drawing attention to the silver keycard held between his thin fingers. “I’ve got us covered.”

Thor let go of the door, walking quickly to catch up to Loki. “How did you get that?”

“You’re so full of questions today, Thor.” Loki finally came to a stop by a leather satchel that lay on the ground. He dropped down gracefully, crossing his long legs.

“And you haven’t answered a single one of them,” Thor returned, sitting down as well.

“I’m here at _Borsson & Sons_ because your father got me a job helping the receptionist: appointment booking, filing, email and the like. _We_ are up here to eat lunch and as for how I got up here…let’s just say I have my ways.” Loki tucked the keycard away with a smirk.

“Father did that? That’s wonderful! Why didn’t he tell me?” Thor said the last part mostly to himself.

“Why should he have?” Loki countered.

Thor paused, at a loss, before changing the subject. “I usually buy my lunch, so if you don’t mind waiting while I quickly –” He was interrupted by Loki shoving a brown bag into his hands. “Uh..?”

Loki didn’t look at him as he explained, instead busying himself with a matching brown bag. “I suspected you’d be fool enough to fall prey to convenient, but overpriced store-bought lunches. I took the liberty of packing you one. It’s nothing spectacular, just a veggie wrap, a fruit salad and a slice of banana bread.” His head was ducked down, but Thor could see his pinked ears.

Pulling out a carefully made wrap, Thor took a large bite out of it. He didn’t generally go for vegetarian options, but the wrap was incredibly satisfying if only because Thor knew that Loki had made it with him in mind. “Shaank ‘oo” he mumbled with his mouth full, pleased when Loki lifted his head up to grimace, bashfulness forgotten.

“I’m grateful for your father’s offer,” Loki said, once had finished his own wrap. “I could use the money and I prefer this to flipping burgers or making overpriced coffee like Baldur. Not that Baldur would _ever_ work here.”

Thor frowned. “Father’s been trying to get me here, even just in the mailroom, since I started high school. If Baldur asked, Father would find him some kind of position here.”

“But you never had to ask,” Loki said.

“It’s not that Father likes Baldur any less. It’s more like he…forgets about him.”

Loki scoffed. “That might be worse.”

Thor frowned. “I should have noticed sooner. I’m older: I’m supposed to look out for him. I never noticed how differently Father treated us. Not until he started being more forceful about pushing me into the family business but never bothered Baldur about it.”

It was selfish of him, Thor knows, that he only realized the extra attention he got from their father when it was no longer benefitting him. The guilt he felt about being the obvious favourite mixed with envy that Baldur didn’t have to conform to Odin’s will. Thor abruptly felt a rush of regret at sharing this ugliness with Loki.

Loki who loved bright, positive Baldur.

Baldur who had never once shown any resentment towards Thor.

Thor who was filled with such awful jealousy – an emotion he was unfamiliar with but that was becoming a constant companion.

“It upsets him, but only when he thinks about it,” Loki admitted carefully. “Most of the time he’s happy. He enjoys working with his friends at that shitty barista job. He loves studying music and your father lets him buy as many instruments and equipment and lessons as he’d like without comment.”

Thor knows. While Baldur could drop all of his science and math courses in favour of an arts heavy course load without their father blinking an eye, Thor had gotten so much shit for his B+ in high school economics. Thor’s “useless” job at the hardware store had been a point of contention with Odin never mind that Baldur had been “working” at a music store at the time and getting paid in vinyl instead of cash.

Loki’s knee nudged against Thor’s, startling Thor out of his thoughts. Loki was concentrating on his fruit salad so Thor was unsure if the touch has been purposeful.

“I sympathize with Baldur’s feelings about your father,” Loki started, pausing to nibble on a piece of melon. “But he’s lucky in that he has the luxury to follow his heart’s desires. He’s in control of his own life. And he still has Frigga’s wholehearted support. And yours.”

At this, Loki turned to meet Thor’s eyes meaningfully.

“What about you, Thor? Are you happy with this?”

Was Thor happy? He was on a lunch break from a job he didn’t want, sitting with a boy he couldn’t have.

Was he happy?

The best answer he could come up with at the moment was: “I don’t know.”

There must have been some kind of expression on his face because Loki leaned away, eyes flitting back to his lunch.

“Sorry. That was an intrusive question.”

Thor leaned back into Loki’s space; their shoulders brushed. “Does that mean I can’t ask you the same question?” he said cheekily to put Loki at ease. To assure him that he hadn’t overstepped.

Thor wanted Loki to overstep.

“You were studying science before,” Thor said carefully, “But now you’re pre-law. Is that really what you want?”

Loki shrugged lightly. “It doesn’t matter to me. Law or science. I’m good at both and I like them about the same.” His thin brows pulled together slightly. “What I want…is to be financially independent. Law seems like the more direct way to get there. I don’t want to have to rely on someone whom I constantly disappoint. Being indebted to someone makes it difficult to hate them, no matter how terribly they treat you. The only option left is to hate yourself.”

“Loki…” Thor said, unable to keep the concern out of his voice.

The younger boy looked at Thor suddenly, eyes wide as if he regretted saying so much.

Instinctively Thor curled a hand around the nape of Loki’s neck. Loki froze briefly before slowly relaxing into the touch.

“I don’t want to owe anyone anything,” Loki said after a while. “I want my ties with people to be on my own terms.”

“You’ll get there,” Thor said. He watched Loki’s profile intently and caught the soft curl of his lips. Where Thor would have expected hesitance and maybe sadness Loki’s smile held only confidence and caught Thor as off guard as that first Thanksgiving.

“I will,” Loki agreed, voice quiet but determined.

These lunches quickly became the best part of Thor’s day. It was the only one-on-one time he had with Loki and he hoarded it: each and every interaction, laugh, smile.

And then, impossibly, it got better.

Baldur passed the audition for the local theatre’s orchestra. Rehearsals ran late, and Loki’s mornings and afternoons were spent at _Borsson & Son’s_. When Loki would arrive at the Borsson house to spend time with Baldur, more often than not Baldur would still be at rehearsal. Of course Frigga wouldn’t hear of Loki simply leaving and would instead invite Loki inside and so Thor would end up keeping the younger boy company late into the evening.

After only three nights of this, when Thor let Loki in at the usual time Loki skipped over his token protests and instead ushered Thor to the living room. Once there, he pulled out his laptop and a cable.

“I…Well, I’ve been taking up your time for the past three evenings…and I recall you saying that your favourite movie was _300_ …I thought we might watch it. I don’t mean to be a nuisance, so I hoped to make it up to you…” Loki stumbled through the explanation, firmly focused on setting up his laptop. When he finally looked to Thor, it was with a somewhat timid smile.

Thor could not have denied him anything, never mind that he was floored by the consideration.

Like the lunches, movie nights too became integrated into Thor’s routine.

* * *

 

It was a rare moment when Thor caught Baldur on a Saturday morning. Thor was back from a run, gulping down a glass of orange juice in the kitchen when Baldur stumbled in bleary eyed. He grinned sleepily at Thor. The sun shining through the kitchen window made his golden hair shine, each strand perfectly placed though Thor knew he hadn’t brushed it yet.

Thor felt a bloom of fondness in his chest. Like this Baldur strongly resembled the toddler that used to follow Thor around. He had been such a clueless, happy child; the type that wouldn’t bother looking both sides of the street when crossing because he knew Thor or Frigga or Odin would do it for him and all he had to do was hold onto their hands. Thor pulled out another glass and filled it with juice before sliding it across the counter.

Baldur made a sleepy sound of thanks and drank eagerly. With his jaw tilted up Thor noticed a dark, mouth-shaped smudge right where his neck met his jaw. The warm feeling in his chest turned frigid.

Loki had spent the night. It wasn’t unusual but Thor tried not to think of it. His eyes darted to the staircase as if he could see through the walls. Loki was likely still in laying in Baldur’s bed asleep, hair mussed and body worn out.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you at all this summer,” Baldur said casually. He was leaning heavily against the counter, empty glass placed near his elbow.

Thor hummed noncommittally. He busied himself with throwing both of their glasses in the dishwasher.

Truthfully, though Thor had always considered his relationship with his brother to be healthy and close, they’d never been the type to spend all their time together. Thor had let Baldur tag along with him until his younger brother had made his own friends. By the time Baldur had entered elementary school it was just family dinners and the occasional homework help that brought them together. Three years wasn’t a huge age difference but it meant that Thor was in high school when Baldur started middle school and Thor had been busy worrying about making the most of his last year in high school when Baldur became a freshman. During the summers Thor would be at camp while Baldur did some kind of art program.

Baldur seemed comfortable coming to Thor for advice but he’d rarely needed it. Baldur’s social life had run smoothly. His desire to pursue arts had caused no strife. His grades had been fine and his teachers had loved him. Even their conversation about Baldur’s bisexuality had been short and uneventful as Thor had already paved the way. They teased each other about bad haircuts and fashion mistakes and the messiness of their rooms. They bickered amicably about their shared bathroom and TV rights. They bought their parents’ birthday and anniversary presents together.

They never talked about Odin. First because Thor didn’t realize there was anything to talk about. Later it was something they both acknowledged but didn’t put into words.

“I guess I’ve been preoccupied with Loki,” Baldur said somewhat apologetically.

Thor bit back a sigh. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “I get it.”

“It’s hard being away from him.” Baldur bit his lip and his eyes strayed to the ceiling as if he could see Loki. “Spending spring break together just made it worse. And now that we’re not miles apart I feel like I still barely see him – me being at the café and rehearsals and Loki at _Borsson_ ’s.”

“Are you okay with that? Him being at _Borsson’s_?” Thor asked, feeling a flash of concern.

“I told him to go for it when he asked,” Baldur said. He didn’t sound bitter about it – that just wasn’t Baldur – but he did sound unsure. “It’s good money and Loki likes it there,” he said more surely.

Thor looked at Baldur. Had Loki said that? Thor immediately grimaced at himself for the thought. It was not so much that he didn’t want to talk about Loki with Baldur as it was that he wanted it _too much_. This insidious curiosity was something he knew he shouldn’t indulge.

“I miss him,” Baldur sighed. “It feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for the past eight months.”

It seemed like Baldur wanted Thor to say something, dole out some older brother wisdom but Thor had none to give. Though part of him wanted to reassure his brother another part of him, a terrible part, was praying for the worst outcome.

In the quiet they suddenly heard the creaking of one of the upstairs doors. Loki was up.

Pulling away with the counter, Baldur’s face smoothed out into a fond smile. “Never mind,” he said. His body was already angling towards the stairs. “I don’t even know what I’m saying. By the way, I have a shift at the café later today and Loki and I are going out for dinner after – could you let Mom know not to expect us? Thanks!”

“No problem,” Thor called out. Baldur was already halfway up the stairs. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Volstag about getting the group together for pizza that night.

Whispers and giggles drifted down from the floor above. Thor decided to do another lap around the block.

And so the summer meandered by.


	7. Year Four: Fall Semester

It was two weeks into Thor’s MBA when Loki suddenly fell off the map.

Up till then they had made sure to have dinner together at least three times a week, sticking to Thor’s apartment because it was larger and better furnished and because Loki was intensely private even at the best of times.

After spending Sunday evening together getting an early start on their respective assigned readings, Thor anticipated the lack of contact on Monday. When he still hadn’t heard from Loki by Wednesday night, Thor was perturbed.

Thor texted Loki three times with fifteen minute intervals between each text.

Then he called him twice.

No answer.

As Thor worried about the amount of concern that would be considered appropriate he realized that, away from their hometown, his and Loki’s life intersected very narrowly. The only thing tethering them together was a mutual decision to put aside time a few days a week. There were no shared activities or acquaintances. If Loki decided to cut off contact, Thor couldn’t expect to still see him in class or through a mutual friend.

It was discomfiting.

He contemplated contacting Baldur, but dismissed it. Thor had never really brought up his and Loki’s dinners to Baldur and neither had Baldur so he was unsure if Loki had cared enough to mention them. Regardless, it might seem inexplicable to be so anxious after only three days of silence. 

Once he had read the same paragraph four times, Thor decided to take a shower. The hot water did little to soothe his mind. After toweling off and putting on a fresh set of clothes he couldn’t stop himself from picking up his phone to check for any contact from Loki.

One missed call.

Thor’s heart leapt.

From Baldur.

Thumb hovering over the call back option, Thor locked his phone and grabbed his keys. He traversed the distance to Loki’s apartment in a matter of minutes. He hadn’t been there since helping Loki move in, but he remembered well enough Loki’s apartment number.

Reaching Loki’s door, Thor didn’t give himself enough time to hesitate. He knocked on Loki’s door three times and then waited.

No response.

Curling his hand into a fist, Thor banged on the door.

Still nothing.

Huffing lowly, Thor peered into the peephole and jerked back when he saw an eye peering back at him.

“Loki!” Thor banged on the door fiercely. “Open the door!” After a few more hits that shook the door in its frame, it finally swung open.

“Loki –”

“Stop causing a fucking scene, Thor, and go away,” Loki sneered. He looked like hell, eyes bloodshot, nose red and hair greasy.

Thor was startled out of his staring when Loki made to slam the door in his face. His arm shot out, holding it open. “Loki, what happened?”

“None of your business. Fucking  _leave_ ,” Loki snapped, pulling uselessly on the doorknob. He was no match for Thor’s strength.

Eyes caught on Loki’s wobbling bottom lip, Thor forced himself through the doorway. “Loki, please, what’s wrong?” he asked, placing careful hands on Loki’s thin shoulders.

Loki jerked back. “Jesus, Thor, you fucking creep! Can’t you tell when you’re not wanted? Get the hell out!” He shoved ineffectually at Thor’s chest.

Using his elbow to nudge the door closed, Thor simply stood still and let Loki push. “I’m not leaving you like this.”

“Fuck off. I don’t want you here.”

“Just tell me what happened.”

Finally giving up on shoving Thor, Loki stepped back and glared up at him. “You want to know what happened? Your asshole brother  _dumped me_  over a  _phone call_ ,” he snarled even as his eyes filled with fresh tears.

Thor gaped. “What?”

Loki clenched his fists. “Yeah, so why don’t you see yourself out because we’re done.”

Thor lurched forward, grabbing hold of Loki’s fists and forcibly uncurling them. “Loki,” Thor said helplessly, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Loki struggled against his hold. “There’s no reason for you to stay!” he shouted. “You’re Baldur’s brother and as his boyfriend I played nice. Now I’m not his  _anything_ …so there’s no need to keep up the pretense.”

That stung. It was as if Loki were targeting Thor’s hidden insecurities.

Baldur was their only connection: the single, tenuous thread tying them together. With that gone, what was left?

Loki had been completely disinterested in Thor from the moment they met. It was only due to Baldur’s prodding that Loki had accepted using Thor as a means of transport and from there most likely it was Baldur’s encouragement that kept him speaking to Thor. Thor himself had never held any appeal to Loki.

No.

Tightening his hold on Loki’s wrists, Thor scowled back at the younger boy. “You weren’t pretending,” Thor said, to himself as much as to Loki.

Loki had never cared enough about Thor to pretend. In the beginning he’d simply ignored Thor.

No, Thor had had to fight to even hold his attention. Every glance, every smile had been earned.

“You weren’t pretending” he repeated, “And neither was I.” He held Loki’s gaze with unwavering eyes. “Save yourself the trouble and stop trying to push me away because it’s not going to work.”

Loki stared back, lower lip caught tightly between his teeth until its wavering grew too strong and he gasped out a dry sob. He shut his eyes, slumping against Thor and Thor welcomed his weight.

Thor held him tightly as Loki’s body was wracked with sobs, tears soaking through Thor’s shirt.

When it seemed that Loki had cried himself out, Thor loosened his grip and moved to peer into Loki’s drawn face, one hand clasped around the back of his neck.

Loki looked back at him, green eyes shining with absolute misery. “ _Thor_ ,” he whimpered and the sound of it made Thor’s heart clench. “Thor, why…why doesn’t he want me anymore? Why…What did I do wrong?”

Thor had no answer for that. Loki was as he had ever been and to Thor he was perfect.

He had thought Baldur felt the same.

Stroking his thumb across the sharp jut of Loki’s cheekbone, Thor simply drew Loki’s head back to his chest and hugged him close.

Pressing his lips into the top of Loki’s head, Thor prayed that he would see Loki smile again.

* * *

 

An insistent buzzing woke Thor from a dreamless sleep. He shifted closer to the warmth cradled between his arms for a moment before his eyes flew open. All he could see was raven hair. He backed away reluctantly and took in his bearings.

He was sitting on Loki’s couch where Loki had cried himself to sleep in Thor’s arms. He remembered brushing his fingers through the younger’s hair for some time as Loki slept. Thor must have drifted off as well at some point. The living room light was still on, stinging Thor’s sleep heavy eyes. His phone continued to vibrate in his back pocket.

Thor pulled it out if only to silence it but stopped when he saw the name on the screen: Baldur.

Staring at his phone indecisively, Thor frowned. Finally, he carefully extricated himself from his position curled protectively around Loki. He went into the hallway to take the call, leaving the front door opened just slightly to keep an eye on Loki’s still sleeping figure.

“Hello?” he grumbled into the phone, voice gravely from sleep.

“Thor! Hey – I called earlier…” Baldur sounded too upbeat.

Thor rubbed a hand across his weary face. “Yeah, sorry…I was in the shower. I meant to call you back…”

“It’s fine!” Baldur assured him brightly, voice pitched high.

“…”

“…”

“Did you need something?” Thor prompted unenthusiastically. He was still watching Loki. The younger boy was only an inch or two shorter than Thor but he had managed to fold himself into such a small space on the couch. Like he wanted to disappear.

“I…I just wanted to…talk. Ask how you’re doing,” Baldur’s voice broke halfway through.

Thor bit his lip. “I’m good,” he said warily. “You?”

“Good! Great! Things are…great! School’s going well; I like my program.”

“I’m glad. Second year’s supposed to be tough,” Thor replied mindlessly.

Baldur continued to prattle about mundane things in a strange tone of voice while Thor waded through his half of the bizarre conversation on autopilot. It felt absurd to be talking to Baldur about how his normal bus route to school had been canceled and now the trip took an extra fifteen minutes while Thor was standing outside the apartment of Baldur’s brokenhearted ex-boyfriend.

After another five minutes of this Baldur finally seemed to find the courage to ask: “Have you…have you seen Loki recently?”

Thor paused for a long moment, eyes still glued to Loki. “…No. I haven’t.”

“Oh,” Baldur said, disappointed. “That’s – never mind! Listen, I need to go, I have an early class tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Later,” Thor echoed. He waited until the dial tone sounded before turning off his phone and sticking it back in his pocket. He re-entered the apartment, locking the door behind him, and moved to the couch. Loki was, thankfully, still soundly asleep. His face was puffy and red from the tears but he seemed peaceful for the moment.

Thor thought about picking him up and tucking him into bed before leaving. Loki’s couch wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep. Instead, Thor climbed back onto the cushions and carefully tugged Loki back into his arms. With his nose buried in Loki’s hair, Thor closed his eyes and slept.

* * *

 

“Hey, where’s the…uh, thing for the garlic?” Thor rummaged through the drawer of cutlery, brushing aside a lock of hair that had fallen into his eyes.  Since the break up one week ago, they had moved their meetings to Loki’s apartment. Thor suspected it was in some way due to Baldur, but Loki had never expounded on it.

When no response was forthcoming, he raised his head. “Loki?”

Glancing about the abandoned kitchen, Thor stepped around the corner to peer into the living room. He sighed when he noticed Loki kneeling by the coffee table, engrossed with the screen of Thor’s laptop.

Thor was fairly certain of what held his attention. Two days after the break up Loki had defriended Baldur online, immediately regretted it and then proceeded to borrow Thor’s computer to virtually stalk the younger Borsson. It was hardly healthy, but Thor wasn’t eager to try telling Loki what to do.

Loki must have heard Thor approaching because, though he didn’t look up, he began to rant. “Do you think he’s fucking this bimbo? Jesus, she looks like she’s dead between the ears and judging from the distance between her eyes her parents are probably first cousins. What, did intellect start making his dick go soft? Do I need to dye my hair blond and speak like a valley girl to be interesting again?” Loki was practically vibrating with rage.

Typically Loki’s insults were witty to the point that Thor couldn’t resist laughing when he lamented his classmates’ stupidity. This was just self-loathing directed outwards.

Sighing, Thor rested his hands on Loki’s shoulders. “Come on, the garlic bread isn’t going to make itself and I can’t find anything in your kitchen despite how tiny it is,” he said with a hopeful smile.

Loki wasn’t listening. “How many fucking pictures with sorority girls plastered to his side does he need? As if he’s actually friends with any of them. That would entail being able to hold a conversation with one of these juice-cleansing, Chihuahua-loving, Gossip-Girl-wannabe simpletons,” Loki muttered as he continued to scroll.

Sliding his hands down Loki’s arms to his wrists, Thor pressed until they stilled.

Loki glared bitterly at the screen. “Is it the cloying, sweet-as-pie personality? Or is it the sexy-baby voice that’s doing it for him? Maybe the ability to suck cock without smearing their lip gloss? Does he want porn star sex?”

Looking up at him earnestly, Loki asked, “What was it about me that was suddenly not worth it?” He scoffed out a mirthless laugh before Thor could think to respond, averting his eyes. “What does it even matter? I’m the too-bitchy, too-judgmental, inevitable-addict, high school boyfriend. Baldur’s probably fucking his way through Alfheim University.”

Turning back to look at him again, Loki grimaced. “Fuck him.  _Fuck him_. Fuck him if he thinks he can just throw me away because long-distance monogamy got too dull! Like I’m going to sit here celibate while he fucks around, hoping that he’ll get it out of his system and want me back. He’s not the only one who can go sticking his dick in anything that moves. I have options!”

Stumbling to his feet, Loki started to the door. “Fuck dinner. I’m going to the nearest bar and I’m going find the hottest person there and I’m going to fuck them and then I’m going to take a fucking picture and send it to Baldur with the subject line: FUCK YOU.”

Stunned into stillness, Thor pictured it for a moment: Loki storming into a shitty university bar and picking up the first person he saw, dragging them to a bathroom stall or a nearby alley, putting his red-bitten mouth on their skin, long fingers snaking under clothes to touch, seeking and finding and…

Thor saw red.

With two large steps he cleared the distance between them and grabbed hold of Loki’s arm. “I’m not going to let you proposition some stranger in a bar, Loki,” Thor almost growled. His grip was possessive and he scolded himself for it, loosening his fingers.

Loki snatched his arm back, glaring at Thor over his shoulder. “Fuck off, Thor. You’re not my keeper. If I want to go fuck someone, it’s none of your business.”

“The hell it isn’t!” Thor roared, forgetting himself. Because it was his business. Loki was his business. Loki was…his.

Except that he wasn’t.

And that just upset Thor further. He gripped the back of Loki’s neck and practically hauled the other boy to him. “You’re  _not_  going to throw yourself at some stranger,” he told Loki, voice dark with warning.

Narrowing his eyes, Loki stared up at Thor obstinately for a long moment.

“Fine,” he spat.

Then, before Thor knew what was happening, Loki was surging forward, catching Thor’s bottom lip between his teeth and sucking it into his mouth.

Thor gasped out a moan, pressing into Loki immediately. He couldn’t even hide how eager he was, reacting like he’d been wanting this for years…because he  _had_.

Nearly three years since Thor had first seen Loki at Thanksgiving, seen that fucking smile and wanted to taste it, to  _own_  it, and finally he was getting his chance.

He wasn’t going to let it slip by.

Fingers burrowing into Loki’s thick hair, Thor held Loki’s face close, devouring his mouth.

Despite his previous aggression, Loki seemed startled by Thor’s enthusiasm. Overwhelmed. His mouth fell open limply, ceding control to Thor and Thor took it gladly.

He fucked into Loki’s mouth with his tongue, walking them forwards until Loki was pressed against the door. Then he moved onto Loki’s neck, all teeth and tongue as he marked Loki’s pale skin. Loki stuttered out a moan, arching into the biting kisses and Thor rewarded the sound, lingering on Loki’s neck until Loki was squirming against him, hips shifting and fingers twitching.

“Thor,” he groaned. “ _Thor_.”

He sounded so needy already, slurring the ‘r’. Thor’s name had never sounded sweeter and so he had to kiss him for it, just as sweetly.

Loki made a soft, pleased sound in the back of his throat, threading his fingers through Thor’s hair. It lasted only a moment before Loki was tugging hard at the strands, nipping at Thor’s lips feverishly.

Palming Loki’s ass, Thor hitched him up against the door. Loki’s fingers grappled for purchase against Thor’s shoulders at the sudden shift in position, legs circling around Thor’s hips. They kissed messily as Thor ground into Loki, short nails digging into the fabric of Loki’s skinny jeans.

When Thor abruptly pulled back, Loki swayed forward, frowning in dazed confusion. Storm blue eyes swept over Loki’s mussed hair and lust-darkened eyes, lingering on Loki’s kiss-swollen lips. Thor couldn’t resist slanting his mouth over those lips again to lick into Loki’s mouth, quick and dirty. Securing his grip on Loki, Thor lifted him up and walked them backwards to the couch, collapsing on it haphazardly when Loki decided to latch onto Thor’s earlobe.

They rutted against each other on the couch, fully clothed, until Loki let out a choked gasp, spending in his jeans. Within minutes Loki was tearing Thor’s pants and boxers off to swallow him down. The sight of those lips wrapped around him was enough to make Thor lose it, coming down Loki’s throat like he was a teenager again.

Spluttering, Loki coughed out as much as he could, rubbing a closed fist against his mouth. Thor stroked his hair tenderly and once Loki had caught his breath he blinked up at Thor and froze.

Whatever haze of lust that had hung around them seemed to dissipate the longer they held eye contact and Thor’s gut clenched, raw panic slowly crawling up his spine.

Loki looked at him as if he had no idea how they’d gotten there, eyes wide and lips pursed. His lips tightened even further till they were a thin slash of red against his pale face as Loki shut his eyes slowly. Then he opened them just as slow.

“Thor,” he started, voice hoarse. Despite the panic still rising through him, Thor couldn’t help the bolt of lust that ignited with the knowledge of what had caused that wrecked voice.

“Thor,” Loki repeated, holding a single finger up, trying to look calm and only partially succeeding. “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to go into my room and shut the door. After that you have five minutes to make a choice. Option one: you leave and we pretend this never happened. Option two: you join me in my room and fuck me properly and in the morning we still might just pretend this never happened.”

Thor swallowed heavily and licked his lips, feeling a thrill of heat run down his spine, overtaking the panic, when Loki’s eyes tracked the movement. “Is there an option where we don’t pretend this didn’t happen?” he asked.

Loki’s lips parted in surprise and he leveled a considering look at Thor. He raised one shoulder in a nervous half-shrug. “Depends.”

“On what?”

Glancing away and then back, Loki squared his shoulders as if he were steeling himself. “Depends on how well you fuck me,” he said.

With that he stood up and walked to his room.

Thor was already on his feet, catching the bedroom door on his forearm before it could shut.

When morning came, they didn’t pretend it hadn’t happened.

Instead, Thor ate Loki out in the shower and then they ate pancakes in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the smuttiest thing I've ever written - does this qualify as smut? I'm usually the type to be more vague about these things or avoid it entirely by 'fading to black' and leaving it to the imagination but imo the scene was integral to the plot and cutting it out didn't feel right. Hopefully it wasn't too awkward...I tried my best!


	8. Year Four: Thanksgiving/Fall Semester

They didn’t really talk about it. They went about their days as they always had, cooking together like a well-oiled machine, chatting idly over dinner and doing homework in companionable silence. Only now once they had finished their assignments they would get each other off in some way.

There were other changes excepting the sex, though these changes were more gradual. Slowly they started spending more time together until they were together more often than not. Some of Thor’s things started finding their way into Loki’s apartment and eventually Thor slept in Loki’s bed more than his own. Thor would still go back to his apartment and out with friends and he would work out or study at a café alone (something Loki found impossible to do due to the noisiness) while Loki did his own thing (Thor didn’t exactly keep tabs) but this just made it all the sweeter to come back together again in the evening after a day apart.

Thor begged off Thanksgiving with the family, citing some important deadline, because Loki had decided to stay at SHIELD. Instead he invited Loki to a dinner with his friends.

Loki had blinked rapidly at the request, face going blank. Thor had prepared himself for the worst, expecting Loki to clarify that they were just a sex thing and that Thor shouldn’t act as if he were Loki’s boyfriend.

Loki had said none of this. “You…want me to meet your friends?” he asked dubiously. At Thor’s nod, Loki had ducked his head down, gaze focused on his feet and shrugged. “Sure.”

When Thor arrived at Loki’s door to pick him up for the dinner, he was greeted with the aroma of pumpkin pie.

“What’s this?” he asked, grinning.

Loki blushed, looking away. “It’s rude to turn up empty handed,” he mumbled, retreating to the kitchen. When he returned he pushed a beautifully baked pie into Thor’s hands and then pulled on his jacket and locked his door before stealing back the pie.

“I’m not letting you take credit for my hard work,” Loki said teasingly, but Thor could hear the undercurrent of nerves.

Thor wisely said nothing, simply smiling and pressing his hand into the small of Loki’s back. As they walked, Thor felt the tension slowly bleed out of Loki and by the time they reached Tony’s lavish apartment building he seemed nearly relaxed.

“Thor! Buddy!” Tony crowed when he opened the door. He’d clearly had a drink or two. “You brought jailbait!” he exclaimed, leaning around Thor to look at Loki. “And pie!”

Thor face-palmed while Loki glared.

“Actually, the jailbait brought the pie,” Loki said icily. Tony laughed carelessly, pulling the door open wider and ushering them in.

“Come on, come on. Boy scout wouldn’t let us start eating till you got here,” Tony said, nudging them into the extravagant dining room. “Drinks? I’ll get the drinks,” he decided before disappearing into another room.

“Thor!”

Thor smiled and accepted the enthusiastic greetings of his friends. He turned to Loki, who was standing a little behind him, and guided him into the fray with a hand on the base of his neck.

“This is Loki,” he said loudly, making sure that everyone heard.

Steve was, of course, the first to step up. “Loki, hi” he said, grinning widely, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Loki shot Thor a look at the ‘finally’, eyebrows raised, but accepted Steve’s handshake smoothly. “You as well,” he returned.

Thor could only smile sheepishly because Steve was speaking truly enough. He had refrained from speaking about Loki while the other was with Baldur, wary about his feelings for his brother’s boyfriend being too obvious. Once the relationship had ended, however, the floodgates had opened. Thor hadn’t been able to shut up about Loki since and though he had emphasized that they were ‘just friends’, _Thor’s_ friends weren’t stupid.

Pepper, Sam, Clint and Darcy were the next to greet Loki with Natasha, Bruce and Bucky keeping their distance but offering friendly smiles.

“Thank you for this,” Pepper said, taking the pie. “You really didn’t have to.”

“It was no problem,” Loki said. “Thank you for having me.”

“Any friend of Thor’s,” Pepper said with a bright grin. “I’ll just put this in the kitchen.”

Within seconds of Pepper turning away, Darcy was taking up her spot, chattering away at Loki and trying to find mutual professors or TAs. Thor took this moment to glace around the room and his eyes landed on Jane, standing a little farther apart from the group. She was already looking back at him, smiling tightly.

The grin that had been stretching Thor’s lips faltered.

He hadn’t spoken to her since spring break. He was a jackass.

“Thor. Hi,” she said, stepping closer. “And, Loki?” she asked, doing a full body scan with scrutinizing eyes.

Hearing his name, Loki turned away from Darcy. His eyes darted between Thor and Jane, sensing tension. “Yes. And you are?” he asked curtly.

Thor immediately reached out to put a hand on Loki’s shoulder and realized only after he’d done it how telling the action was.

Still, Loki leaned lightly into the touch, so Thor couldn’t regret it.

Jane’s smile was on the stiff side. “Jane,” she said.

There was a beat of silence and then Tony burst back into the room.

“Drinks!” he cheered. “For Point Break and Jailbait,” he said, pushing two glasses into Thor and Loki’s hands. “I’d be a hell of a hypocrite if I didn’t let the children drink,” Tony said, gesturing between Loki and Darcy.

“Uh, hello, over eighteen and totally able to buy our own alcohol,” Darcy protested.

Tony waved the remark off imperiously and Clint smirked.

“Considering the rest of us are grad students and Steve took a few years off, Tony’s not _wrong_ ,” Clint said.

“ _Children_ ,” Tony repeated.

Thor watched apprehensively as Loki downed half of his drink. Fortunately Loki seemed to catch himself and began to sip the rest at a glacial pace.

Tony began monologuing as he drifted off to refill his own glass, the rest following behind, Darcy herding Jane with enthusiastic babble. It didn’t escape Thor’s notice that they were trying to give him some space with Loki.

They weren’t _that_ far away though, so Thor lowered his voice when he asked, “Are you good?”

Loki was staring at his drink as he swished it around, ice cubes clacking against the glass. “This is weird, right? It was a bad idea. I should probably leave,” Loki murmured in quick succession.

“Loki.” Thor hooked his palm around Loki’s neck. “It’s fine. The tension with Jane was my fault. It had nothing to do with you. Stay. _Please_.”

Looking up from beneath his lashes, Loki’s green eyes were uncertain.

Thor took a gamble. Leaning forward, fully aware that his friends were only a few feet away, Thor pressed his lips against Loki’s in a chaste kiss.

Loki stiffened and Thor thought that perhaps he’d made a mistake. Then Loki softened, lips curling against his in a small but unmistakable smile.

“Okay,” Loki whispered as he pulled back.

* * *

They only spoke about Baldur once.

Thor had gone to Loki’s after game night at Bruce’s place. They’d put on a movie and sat on the couch, Thor’s arm curled around the back of the sofa and just barely resting on Loki’s shoulder. Ten minutes into the film Loki finally nudged in a little closer, cheek resting on Thor’s shoulder. Thor ducked down boldly to graze against Loki’s hair and caught the faint scent of alcohol.

Loki had been dressed nicely when Thor came over. His hair gelled and dark smudges of eyeliner on the corners of his eyes.

Not five minutes later Loki was turning his head towards Thor. His lips brushed over Thor’s jawline as he blindly sought out Thor’s lips. Thor pressed into the kiss happily; he had been waiting for it. Thor kissed Loki deeper, tongue dipping into Loki’s mouth. There was the faint taste of soda on Loki’s tongue: sweet with none of the bitterness of alcohol. Thor pulled back to stare at Loki’s spit slick mouth. One of his hands was covering the bulk of Loki’s slim thigh, thumb rubbing on the sliver of skin showing between the skin tight jeans and the thin black shirt.

“You look nice,” Thor said, moving on to mouth at Loki’s neck. The shirt’s wide collar left so much skin to explore.

Loki moaned quietly, the sound traveling to Thor’s lips. “I was out,” he said. A sharp gasp left his lips as Thor nipped at his throat.

“I figured,” Thor murmured, more focused on sucking a mark into Loki’s skin.

“That’s – ah – that’s why I couldn’t go with you tonight,” Loki continued. Long fingers grasped at Thor’s hair as Thor worked his way down to Loki’s collarbone.

Thor hummed in acknowledgement. He slid his hand up Loki’s shirt, fingertips pressing into the small of Loki’s back. The grip in his hair tightened and after one final wet kiss Thor let Loki pull him away. Hazy green met blue.

“You don’t mind?” Loki asked. His plush bottom lip was caught between his teeth. It was distracting.

“Mind?” Thor’s brows furrowed in thought. “Why would I mind you going out?”

“I thought you wanted me to go with you?”

“To game night? Yeah, I’d love it if you came but you don’t have to if you don’t want. Or if you have other plans.”

“ _Really_?” Loki stressed. He stared searchingly into Thor’s eyes.

Thor met his gaze evenly. He slid his hands down so that they were both resting on Loki’s hips and gave a reassuring squeeze. “Really.”

“Bal– Oh!” Loki cut himself off and Thor squeezed his hips again. “We would always go out together,” Loki said carefully. “If I was drinking then he’d keep an eye on how many glasses we’d both had. If I wasn’t drinking then he wouldn’t either. If I didn’t feel like going out then we would both stay in...” Loki paused and looked down at his lap. “He was really supportive. It was…nice” Loki said.

 _It was suffocating_ , Loki didn’t say but Thor thought he heard. Baldur and Loki had spent every minute they could together during the summer but Thor had assumed it was a product of the long distance over the school year. Maybe that wasn’t so.

“Hey,” Thor whispered, cupping Loki’s face in his hands. He kissed him sweetly, pulling back just enough that their lips were still brushing. “I always want you around,” Thor said. “But that doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to _always_ _be around_.” Thor frowned, thinking about his words. “Does that make sense? I mean –”

Loki cut him off with a kiss. “It makes sense,” he said. Then he was kissing Thor again, deeper, and pushing Thor down onto the couch. One of Loki’s legs slotted between Thor’s thick thighs and Thor groaned. He let his mouth fall open and let Loki take charge.

* * *

Exams made Loki snappish. Thor found it equal parts annoying and endearing. Being told off for daring to exist wasn’t fun, but admittedly Thor would sometimes bother Loki on purpose. He’d plop his feet in Loki’s lap while the younger boy was reading or switch out the coffee for decaf or make a racket in the kitchen until Loki had no choice but to abandon his work for food.

Loki never kicked him out, so Thor didn’t take his ire seriously, allowing any insults to roll off his back.

Thor had his own work though, in the form of group projects and focus groups that kept him late on campus debating inconsequential things like what font to use on their Powerpoint presentation. It really took its toll. He didn’t think that business courses were more difficult than architecture, but his lack of enthusiasm definitely made the studying process harder than it should have been.

He threw himself onto Loki’s couch after three lonely nights at his own place. The door had been unlocked, but Thor didn’t think it was cause for concern. A break in at a student apartment building didn’t make much sense: there was nothing worth stealing. Stretching out comfortably, he slid his gaze to Loki when he didn’t so much as get a grunt of acknowledgement.

Laptop balanced in the cradle of his thighs, Loki typed away. His concentration was absolute.

Thor knocked his knee against Loki’s but received only a jerk of an elbow.

Shrugging to himself, Thor got out his own laptop and played around on Youtube to put his mind at ease after a stressful few days. Hours passed in silence. Every time Thor would look up at Loki he would find the boy in the same position, barely blinking as his fingers flew across the keyboard.

With how quiet it was, Thor became aware of a soft, repetitive sound. It was Loki’s socked foot tapping against his jean-clad thigh. The movement was almost hypnotizing in its steadiness.

Another hour passed, the rhythmic motion of Loki’s foot keeping Thor company as he responded to emails from his project partners. Thor ignored his growing hunger, wanting to let Loki get to a good stopping point before interrupting him. Loki really seemed to be in a groove. Usually when he worked Loki would take intermittent breaks to trawl through the internet, growing restless and bored. If not that, then a stray thought would inspire him and he would switch tasks, working on a different assignment. It was choppy, but Loki always finished speedily and received exemplary grades for his efforts.

Finally when the growling of his belly refused to subside, Thor heaved himself off the couch and went to the kitchen. There were a few dishes in the sink, but Thor ignored them, going for the fridge instead. Loki liked to pack away leftovers and Thor hoped there was something there.

No luck. Perhaps he should just order in.

When he bypassed the coffee machine, he stopped. It was suspiciously clean, no dark dribbles staining the pot. But Loki hadn’t done the dishes yet.

Loki was twitchy. Thor had attributed it to drinking too much coffee without Thor there to cut him off, but it didn’t seem that Loki had made any today.

Suspicion growing, Thor marched back into the living room and kneeled down before Loki. Getting no reaction, he tugged the laptop away and set it down on the coffee table.

“Thor? What the hell?” Loki groused. His pupils were dilated and his eyes were bloodshot as they blinked up at him with frustration.

“I thought we could eat something.”

“Not hungry,” Loki said, trying to reach around Thor for his laptop. “There’s probably some leftovers in the fridge if you want. Just let me work; I’ve got so much…there are all these words running through my mind. This paper is going to be fucking gold, I can feel it. But I need to write this down,” Loki babbled. His foot continued to tap against his thigh and once he realized Thor wasn’t going to let him at his laptop, Loki rested his hands on his knees where they twitched idly.

“There’s nothing in the fridge,” Thor told him. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Loki frowned. Long, pale fingers continued to twitch on his knees as green eyes slid back and forth between his laptop and Thor’s face. “Who knows? An hour or two ago, most likely. Seriously Thor, stop being a dick and give me my laptop back. I need to write or I’ll forget it all.”

“I’ve been here for four hours, Loki,” Thor said.

Eyes snapping back from his laptop to Thor, Loki squinted. “What? Whatever. I probably ate before then. Doesn’t matter. Not hungry. Can we put the interrogation on hold until after I finish my paper?”

“Loki,” Thor said, voice even and careful, “Are you on something?”

Staring at him with an unnerving amount of attention, Loki answered too casually, “I popped a few Adderall. It’s not a big deal. But it’ll be a huge waste if you don’t give me my laptop back, okay?”

Thor wasn’t naïve. He knew students that used study drugs with no ill effect. He knew that it wasn’t his business what Loki chose to put in his body.

But Thor remembered the many nights Loki crashed at his apartment, leery of being tempted by the lure of recreational drugs freely offered. It had been three days since Thor had seen him last and he had no way of knowing the particulars of the situation.

He exhaled lowly. “Okay. I’m going to give you back your laptop and you’re going to work until it wears off. Then food and sleep. Do you have any more of the pills?”

Loki scoffed. “I didn’t buy an entire bottle, Thor, just a handful.”

“ _Loki_.”

Glaring at him, Loki crossed his arms against his chest. “I don’t have any more,” he admitted churlishly. “Laptop.”

Thor acquiesced. He sat back on the couch and went back to his emails, keeping an eye on Loki. As the frantic pace of typing began to slow down, Thor moved to the kitchen and called for take-out quietly.  

By the time the Chinese arrived, Loki’s head was nodding, his fingers moving sluggishly.

Thor set the food down loudly on the coffee table. “Time to take a break,” he said.

Shaking his head stubbornly, Loki continued to type. “I haven’t finished. The plan was to finish in one sitting. If you hadn’t interrupted me…”

Thor ignored the hostile tone. “You’re exhausted. If you keep writing, I doubt it will make much sense.”

“If I don’t keep writing,” Loki ground out, “Then I’ll lose my train of thought, the conclusion won’t tie anything together and the entire paper will be worthless.”

Reaching out to grasp one of Loki’s socked feet, the one that kept twitching, Thor gave it a gentle squeeze. “Write your thoughts down in point form, so that you’ll remember it. Taking a break might give you some new perspective with even better ideas.” He tugged on the foot. “Now come on, the food’ll get cold and if you keep me waiting much longer I’ll eat your fortune cookie.”

Loki softened a little, posture less rigid. “Those things don’t even taste good.” Still, he did as Thor suggested and shut down his laptop.

They ate quietly at the coffee table, Thor’s left hand still wrapped around Loki’s thin ankle. Loki picked at his food with little interest, though Thor suspected that he hadn’t eaten in a while. Thor didn’t push the subject, focusing on his own food as Loki ate however much he felt comfortable consuming.

When they were done, Thor cleaned up and put away Loki’s uneaten portion while Loki got ready for bed. He stopped by the bedroom doorway, unsure. Loki was crawling underneath the covers of his bed, dressed in boxers and an oversized shirt.

“I have another group meeting tomorrow, but I’ll stop by afterwards,” Thor said. “I’ll bring some groceries and we can actually cook something.”

Loki hummed noncommittally, snuggling into the sheets, trying to find a comfortable position. It was adorable.

Thor shifted from foot to foot. “Goodnight…then,” he murmured.

Loki blinked up at him. “I’m not…I’m going to sleep so I can get back to my paper as soon as possible,” he said waspishly. “But you could stay…if you want.” His eyes were steady on Thor’s, expecting.

Surprised at the invitation, Thor grinned with no hesitation. “Sure,” he agreed amiably. “Let me just use the washroom.”

It was funny. Thor had a spare toothbrush in the washroom, bright red right beside Loki’s green, but this was the first time he would be sleeping over without it being a consequence of sex. It felt…important.

When he got back to Loki’s room, he shut the door and turned off the lights. Stripping down to his boxers, he refrained from dumping his clothes on the floor, knowing it would irk Loki. Instead, he piled them on the top of Loki’s dresser.

Climbing into Loki’s bed, he settled himself behind the other boy with several inches between them. After sex Loki would just collapse atop him, much to Thor’s pleasure, but Thor wasn’t sure how welcome touch would be right now.

A few minutes later Loki slid back against him with a sigh, aligning the curve of his spine to Thor’s chest.

Thor smiled, taking it as his cue to drape a loose arm around Loki’s waist. Loki let out another contented sigh.

Thor was just falling asleep when Loki’s hushed voice broke the silence of the room.

“I ran into Darcy and a few of her classmates in the library. A couple of them were popping Adderall to get through an entire semester’s worth of readings. They offered me some. I was really stressed out about the three papers I still had to write…it didn’t seem like a bad idea. I flew through the first paper right there in the library. It was incredible. I didn’t get at all distracted and I managed to keep working on just the one assignment rather than bouncing between the three. It seemed like a much better work method. I bought some more off the guy and did it again the next day and the day after…”

Thor burrowed closer to Loki in the dark. “I didn’t know you worried about how you studied. You always get your work done in the end, even if you multitask.”

“…It was so much more efficient. My teachers were never impressed by the way I work. Neither were my parents. They said I lacked discipline.”

Frowning, Thor wondered how Loki didn’t know how brilliant he was. That his brain was terrifyingly chaotic and amazing. Thor would have imagined that with Loki’s grades, the younger boy would have been the teachers’ favourite in school. But then Loki wasn’t your typical studious bookworm.

“You’re good at this,” Thor whispered. “You don’t need the extra help.

Loki said nothing to this, but he relaxed further into Thor’s hold. His breathing eventually evened out beneath Thor’s palm, a rhythm that Thor unconsciously matched.

They slept curled together through the night and the next morning rather than rushing to finish his paper, Loki made them scones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki are being cute together, let's enjoy it while we can. I realized I should probably warn for drug mentions in the tags - it came up a couple chapters ago and again in this chapter Loki is using drugs off-label so. I don't think it's particularly excessive or anything but no harm in warning.


	9. Year Four: Christmas

Christmas was exactly as uncomfortable as Thor expected. It was the first one in three years without Loki and his absence was keenly felt. Baldur was surprisingly despondent for the instigator of the break up and though his mother looked serene as always, Thor could tell that Frigga was biding her time until she could catch Baldur alone and make him talk about his feelings.

Of course Odin said, “No Loki this year?” casual as could be while he cut into his turkey slice.

Thor wasn’t sure if Odin was trying to be a dick or if it just came naturally.

“No,” Baldur said shortly, almost surly which was unusual for the sunny-tempered baby of the family.

“And I suppose we should give up on expecting you to bring someone home,” Odin continued, staring Thor down with his one eye.  He’d lost the other saving a baby from a burning building. Really. It was what he was remembered for in the town and did wonders in making people forget that it had been a Borsson building that had burned down due to less than stellar wiring.

Thor bit back an angry retort, not wanting to start something during dinner if only for Frigga’s sake. The question had him cringing in any case because for the first time Thor actually wanted to bring someone home. If only that person hadn’t already been introduced to the family as his younger brother’s boyfriend.

After dinner had ended, Odin retiring to his study and Frigga cornering Baldur in the living room, Thor made some vague sounds about visiting friends before escaping the house. He texted Loki, prepared to drive over to the younger boy’s place but Loki said he was at the town centre.

Thor reminded himself that for Loki to have been so present at the Borsson house, it meant spending less time at his own and there was probably a reason for that. He had never forgotten the bruise he had seen marring Loki’s arm that one night, but had hoped it hadn’t come from home.

There was nothing exciting about the town centre yet for some reason the free parking spots were always snatched up. Thor had to park a ways away and walk over. It was a very grey and slushy Christmas so far and despite the light snow filtering down, it wasn’t very cold. Thor walked with his coat unzipped, hands in his pockets rather than his gloves.

He found Loki sitting on a bench staring out at the skating area. It was a sad affair, not even three meters long. Only two families were occupying the rink, their toddlers sliding around gracelessly. Loki sat undisturbed in his light jacket, midnight hair sticking out under a tuque and his hands encased in laughably large mittens. He was staring at his phone, scowling deeply.

“Hey,” Thor said, sliding onto the bench. Just yesterday they’d woken up in the same bed and today Thor didn’t know how familiar he should get with his greeting. He settled for bumping their shoulders together even though all he wanted was to close the distance between their lips. SHIELD seemed like a different world.

“Hey yourself,” Loki said with a thin smile. His phone vibrated in his hand but he stuffed it into his pocket.

Thor admired the cold flush high on Loki’s cheeks. “So what’s with the location? Feel like skating?”

“In that rink?” Loki scoffed. “I don’t think it could handle our weight,” he said lightly, nudging Thor in the side. Thor’s thick coat provided padding to Loki’s elbow that his body didn’t.

Leaning away from the jab playfully, Thor chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve already started packing on that turkey weight.”

“You should try working out for once.” Loki was staring ahead at the rink once more, but Thor could see the teasing curve to his lips.

Thor huffed. “Would be a new experience. You’d have to show me the ropes, muscle-head.”

“I’m afraid you’re on your own. This Adonis-like body is a result of a fast metabolism and a strict diet.”

“I’ve seen you scarf down three servings of mom’s chocolate cake in one sitting!” Thor said incredulously.

There was a beat of silence before Loki replied, his voice not as lighthearted as before, “Exactly. A strict, dessert-only diet. And Frigga’s cake is ambrosia.”

Thor faltered, shocked by his own stupidity. He watched as one of the families on the rink packed up and left.

In the interim, Loki’s phone buzzed loudly through his pocket. Chewing on his bottom lip for a few moments, Loki huffed and then pulled out his cellphone. He stared blankly at the screen before tugging one mitten off with his teeth and swiping his fingers over the touchscreen.

Thor’s eyes caught on the light wrinkle between Loki’s brows, captivated. “I’m sorry…about…that was a dumb thing to say.”

Loki’s gaze swung quickly to land on Thor and he shrugged. “It was bound to come up eventually. I’m not going to pretend it never happened,” he said, stuffing his phone into his pocket once more. Thor assumed Loki meant his relationship with Baldur, or perhaps the past in general.

Thor nodded. “Yeah.” In all honestly, Thor would have been fine ignoring all of the above, but that wasn’t a realistic option, especially at home.

Heaving a sigh, Loki looked back at the rink. “To answer your original question though…I needed to get away from the house.”

Looking at Loki’s drawn features, Thor hopped to his feet and held out his hand. “Let’s go for a walk,” he suggested, wiggling his fingers invitingly.

Loki eyed his palm with disdain. “Go where? There’s nowhere to _go_ in this town. And I don’t see the draw in moving just so I can see _more_ slush,” he complained even as he stood as well.

There was a moment of hesitation in which Thor’s insides squirmed before Loki took his hand. Thor wished he could link their fingers, but Loki’s mitten prevented that. Somehow it was still nice; Thor imagined he could feel Loki’s soft, dry skin beneath the wool.

They walked in companionable silence for a long while. Thor’s face was starting to hurt from the chill, but Loki didn’t seem to be in any hurry to stop.

“Have you…” Loki’s voice was quiet and Thor had to strain to hear it over the whistling wind.

“Have you ever had a person in your life that you…couldn’t get along with? That despite your best efforts, your personalities clashed?”

Thor thought about it. He had been popular in high school – plenty of people to eat lunch with or pair up with in class. He’d never wanted for company. It was the same during undergrad.

Within his closest friends, he knew that Sif found Fandral to be too much of a lech sometimes and that when left alone with Hogun, Fandral would cry of boredom.

At SHIELD, Tony and Steve’s tense relationship was well known and, though she was polite about it, Pepper distrusted Natasha.

Yet Thor himself had never had such issues with a friend and no one had ever confronted him with complaints.

It seemed he’d paused too long and Loki scoffed.

“Of course you haven’t,” Loki said bitterly.

For most of his life it had never occurred to him that he was lucky to have the people that surrounded him. That not everybody had even one friend who would always have their back, would defend them in their absence, would bail them out from jail after a bar fight at three in the morning before a big exam. Friends with open door policies, always willing to listen when you needed to talk things out. Friends who checked in on you when they hadn’t heard from you in a while. Friends who cared and went out of their way to show it.

Wasn’t that how friendship worked?

Thor glanced at Loki. Not everyone was that lucky.

Loki had an amiable enough relationship with his classmates – plenty of people to sit with during lectures and chat with at department events. He even frequented a study group though he confessed that it did nothing for him. These weren’t _friendships_ , Loki was quick to explain. It was all about networking and keeping an eye on the competition. Though it was still early days, there had already been instances of students sabotaging each other to get ahead or at least to not be left behind. They were not to be trusted.

“The key,” Loki had said over dinner one night, “Is to maintain an outward appearance of being smart enough to act as a useful ally but not too smart that you become a threat. The stupid are forgotten while the overachievers are purposefully excluded in some form of psychological warfare.”

Even the people Loki lunched and partied with could not be considered friends. According to Loki, their interest lay in Loki’s looks and his ability to have ‘fun’ rather than anything of substance. These were the people who documented everything on social media and judged based on the number of followers and likes. These were also the people that had no problem ditching you at a club if you were too much of a bother and who had ill-defined notions of consent. Definitely not to be trusted.

“It _is_ fun,” Loki would say whenever Thor questioned why he maintained these relationships. “Because I look and dress a certain way, I get invited to nice places with people who are only interested in having a good time worth posting about. It’s shallow and meaningless, but as long as you’re aware of that, what’s the harm? I’m hardly expecting them to hold my hair when I puke or to keep handsy people away from me when I’m fucked up beyond coherency.”

It sounded unbearably sad to Thor.

The fact that Tony had thousands of followers on Twitter whereas Bruce didn’t even have an account had never been a point of contention between the self-titled ‘Science Bros’. And despite being of the ‘free love’ mentality, Fandral understood consent and would look out for people in vulnerable situations whether they were friends or complete strangers.

It was just basic human decency.

This seemed a foreign concept to Loki. His relationships were only those of the mutually beneficial kind. It was to the point that an offer of friendship without some clear ulterior motive was regarded with suspicion.

Thor felt an abrupt rush of gratitude that somehow Loki, who only seemed to trust one person, had decided to extend that trust to Thor. Yet another stroke of luck in Thor’s lucky life.

It was a safe bet that Loki hadn’t had many good experiences with people. That Loki believed nobody liked his real self and so he was unwilling to try anymore. The people he socialized with were interacting with a shade, a projection of what Loki believed they wanted to see. Naturally these relationships were as shallow and false as the persona Loki put on.

And now it seemed that not even an idealized version of Loki was capable of pleasing this person he spoke about.

“Screw ‘em,” Thor said succinctly.

Loki stuttered out a laugh. “That’s your solution?”

Thor nodded resolutely. “Screw ‘em,” he repeated with emphasis.

They shuffled along down the sidewalk, boots scraping through the leftover slush.

“Though that _is_ usually my modus operandi…it’s not so simple.”

Thor stopped abruptly, his right hand tethering Loki before the younger boy could move too far away. He set his left hand on the side of Loki’s jaw, his fingers trying to card through what little hair was jutting out of Loki’s woolen hat. He stared at Loki with serious eyes for a moment.

“You shouldn’t have to change for someone to care about you. Nobody’s worth that,” Thor said, holding Loki’s gaze.

Loki leaned ever so slightly into Thor’s hand before turning away completely. “He does care…in his own way. I don’t think we’d fight this much if he didn’t,” he muttered. “Unfortunately, my father has a temper…and I certainly don’t help things.”

Tightening his grasp, Thor turned Loki to face him. “Loki,” he said urgently, “does he…?”

Breathing out a mirthless chuckle, Loki shook his head. “He mostly just slams things around. There was one time, but…he was a mess afterwards. It’s never happened again.”

At a loss, Thor pulled Loki into the crook of his neck. He breathed in the wool of Loki’s hat and could just barely make out the scent of Loki’s shampoo over the brisk winter air.

“Why does everything I do make him angry?” Loki whispered against Thor’s neck. “And why can’t I ever just shut the fuck up instead of goading him on?”

Thor moved to press his lips against Loki’s temple, cheeks, eyes, the closest uncovered skin he could find, but felt a vibration by his abdomen and then Loki was ducking away.

“Sorry,” Loki said in a strained voice. His hand flew up to rub against his face as he stared at his feet, hiding his expression beneath the cushiony mitten. He didn’t check his phone. “It seems I’m not great company today. Not that I’m usually a ball of sunshine. God knows why anyone would put up with me.”

“Loki.” Thor tried to reach out for him, but Loki dodged his hand. At least he was now meeting Thor’s eyes.

“Maybe you should head home. Spend time with your family while you can instead of wasting it on me.”

“You’re not a waste of my time,” Thor said, disconcerted.

Loki’s gaze wavered, drifting to his feet yet again. “Go home, Thor,” he said with finality.

He walked away and Thor could only stare at his retreating back, wondering what happened.


	10. Year Four: Winter Semester

Thor didn’t see Loki for the rest of the winter holiday. He called and texted and filled Loki’s voicemail to capacity, but got no response. He’d never been to Loki’s house – had never been invited – or he would have been sorely tempted to camp out on the porch.

He hadn’t seen too much of Baldur either – his little brother was probably busy sulking – but he could hardly ask him for Loki’s address.

By the weekend before classes started up again, Thor was just about ready to start climbing the walls. He left on the Friday morning, driving straight to Loki’s apartment. Feeling a moment of déjà vu, Thor knocked on Loki’s door relentlessly.

If he was there, Loki didn’t answer. But his neighbour did, angrily cursing Thor out in Spanish and telling him to quiet down or the cops would be called.

Dejected, Thor left and wound up accepting an offer to grab drinks with Tony.

Tony already had a pint ready for him when Thor arrived.

“Shit, man. I’m sorry,” Tony said, sliding over the glass and raising his own half empty one in solidarity.

Thor raised his brows in a question even as he accepted the drink.

“Loki,” Tony elaborated. “Fucking ice cold.”

The beer went down wrong and Thor coughed, eyes wide. “What? What about Loki?”

“Ah, fuck,” Tony groaned. He swept a hand through his already messy hair. “You don’t know.”

Thor narrowed his eyes, leaning forward with his arms on the table they were sharing. “What is it?” he demanded.

Shaking his head, Tony proceeded to chug down the rest of his drink. He waved over a passing waiter. “Bring over a pitcher, will you?” He paused, then added, “And six shots of tequila too. For now.”

“Tony,” Thor warned.

“Check Facebook.”

With a slowly dawning sense of horror, Thor pulled out his phone and opened Facebook. It didn’t take long to find.

‘Baldur Borsson and Loki Laufeyson are in a relationship’

Thor felt something inside him crack. Seconds later, so did his phone’s screen.

“Jesus!” Tony exclaimed. “Dial down the ‘roid rage, point break.”

Thor blinked at him stupidly. He parted his lips, but no words came out.

Tony frowned at him sympathetically. “You’re completely within your rights to be pissed. Fucking your brother is low enough, but very publically getting into a relationship with him? What an asshole.”

Thor shook his head numbly.

“Trust me, I know a thing or two about dick moves and anyone who would pull that shit is not worth your time. God, I was a wreck in undergrad and I pity everyone who had to put up with my shit,” Tony said with a grimace. “Hell, you might be pissed at him too, but you should warn your brother.”

Staring unthinkingly at his glass, Thor took a deep breath. “They…they dated. For three years, before we…”

Tony’s face slackened with shock. “Shit. We’re gonna need more shots.”

They drank.

And they drank.

And they drank some more.

At some point they left the bar. Thor stumbled away from the cab Tony had flagged down, ignoring Tony’s calls.

He ended up at Loki’s door again, falling gracelessly onto his ass. With drunken logic, he decided to wait Loki out until the younger boy showed up, either entering or leaving his apartment.

Thor eventually drifted off, eyes sliding shut. In a blurry, dream-like haze he felt something cold brush soothingly against his cheek and he leaned into the feeling with an appreciative moan.

When he awoke the next morning it was to a familiar downy green blanket wrapped around him and to Loki’s neighbour’s unimpressed face. More Spanish cursing followed.

* * *

Weeks passed and Thor ached. He reluctantly stayed away from Loki’s apartment due to the very real threat of Loki’s neighbour having him arrested for trespassing and stalking. That didn’t mean that he stopped texting and calling.

Loki never answered, but Thor wondered if he ever read the texts or listened to the voicemails.

Thor was losing his mind. He missed Loki. Missed his voice, his snide remarks, the taste of his tongue. Missed his laughs. His smiles.

He saw Loki everywhere. Every tall figure, every flash of pale skin and brush of dark hair.

And then one day he saw Loki, the real Loki, in the flesh.

Walking to a meeting with some classmates, he saw someone exit his favourite café further down the street. The person was tall and lean and dark haired, likely another false alarm, the image of Loki projected onto a random passerby.

Then Thor noticed the sweater, the kind granted to athletes at Thor’s old high school with the word ‘Borsson’ printed across the back. Thor’s own sweater, earned from rugby, was somewhere in his closet at his parents’ house.

Thor took in a laboured breath. It felt like his chest was on fire.

He made a false start forward, nearly tripping over his own feet.

Loki turned, an offhand movement.

Their eyes locked and Thor drank in those beautiful features greedily even as Loki’s face paled.

There was something almost like fear in those eyes and Thor could hardly stand the sight but for the fact those eyes were finally looking at _him_.

The next thing he knew, Thor was crowding Loki against the shopfront. Loki was pliant in his arms and yet he still looked nearly frightened. But when Thor ducked down to close that two inch difference in height, Loki was arching up to meet him and gasping into his mouth.

They kissed feverishly. Thor all but shoved Loki up against the wall, his hands restlessly wandering the expanse of Loki’s body. It had been too long since Thor had last touched him. Loki’s hands were stationary, holding the front of Thor’s shirt in a death grip. When Thor felt a hand on his shoulder, he knew it wasn’t Loki.

The disturbance pulled him back to reality, sound suddenly rushing in. “Get a room!” someone was saying.

Thor practically growled at the stranger that had dared interrupt.

The anchoring pressure of Loki’s fingers left his front and Thor turned back immediately. The younger boy appeared mortified and Thor finally took in his surroundings.

He saw the full cup of coffee Loki had dropped on the ground, the customers gawking out of the café’s windows and the people trying to get through the front door of the shop.

Thor realized that he would never be able to go to this coffee shop again.

He didn’t really care.

Grabbing hold of Loki’s wrist, Thor pulled him along and ignored the catcalls that followed them down the street. He moved with a singular purpose and time seemed to blur.

They were in his apartment when Thor finally released Loki’s wrist, only to grip the other’s neck and drag him into an unforgiving kiss.

Clawing at each other’s clothes, they somehow made it to Thor’s bed. Thor pushed Loki onto the mattress and pressed himself against the slighter figure. His hands were in constant motion, his mouth always occupied with nipping and sucking at some new fraction of skin. He was like a man starved, too hungry to practice any amount of finesse or control. Nor did he want to give Loki enough time to second guess.

He was perhaps rougher than he should have been, leaving deliberate bruises from both his fingers and mouth all along Loki’s neck, his hips, his inner thighs. Loki met each touch with breathless enthusiasm, murmuring his name as if in prayer. Thor’s heart sang in answer to every pleasurable sound he managed to wring out.

Once they were both spent and gasping with nothing more to give, Thor collapsed atop of Loki. He wrapped himself around Loki as if he could press the other boy into his soul. Content only after Loki’s every breath dampened his neck and pushed sharp ribs against his own, Thor slipped into a restful sleep.

* * *

Thor was shoved out of his dream and into the waking world in the most literal of ways. Blinking blearily, it took him a moment to comprehend what he was seeing: Loki’s pale body glowing in light that slipped through the blinds as he left the bed. Thor smiled beatifically, his eyes roving the skin on display and lingering on every inch that bore Thor’s mark.

Too smug with the evidence of what had just passed, Thor belatedly realized that Loki was hurriedly redressing.

He sat up with a jerk, smile falling. “Where,” Thor started and then had to clear his throat when his voice came out thoroughly raspy from sleep and sex both. “Where are you going?” he asked, feeling small and foolish when Loki didn’t spare him a glance.

“This was a mistake,” Loki said, managing to answer his question without explicitly answering the exact question.

“A mistake,” Thor repeated blandly.

“Exactly.”

Thor’s temper rose at the condescending tone of voice. He didn’t usually care when Loki directed that tone at him, but he refused to let Loki dismiss what had happened between them.

“A mistake you made from the café all the way down four blocks and to this bed?” Thor asked derisively.

Loki’s spine stiffened visibly before he hid it beneath his shirt. He wrapped his arms around his middle, back still facing Thor.

“I love him.” Loki’s voice was whisper-soft, but felt like a jagged cut.

Baldur. Of course.

“And me?” Thor croaked.

Loki looked at him over his shoulder, green eyes dewy. He looked lost. Then his gaze hardened and he laughed, a sharp, bitter thing.

“You…You were a mistake,” Loki said before striding out the door.

* * *

 Thor held out for a miraculous nine days. Then he was once again at Loki’s door. This time it only took one knock before it was swinging open.

When Thor left several hours later, it was with stinging scratches decorating his back and a prominent hickey on his throat. Loki’s neighbour was outside, unlocking her door. She looked at him with astonishment before her lips curled into a sneer.

“Congrats on upgrading from stalker to booty call,” she scoffed, entering her apartment and firmly shutting the door.

At least he wouldn’t have to worry about her calling the cops anymore.

* * *

They continued like that. Thor would show up at Loki’s door never knowing if Loki would let him in. When he did, it was like the very air was charged and they would come together like the opposite ends of a magnet. When he didn’t, Thor would leave dejected and afraid that it was over for good.

And then one day it was.

They were kissing, but for once it was reminiscent of _before_. Gentle but no less passionate for that softness. So different from the past few weeks of hard and fast and rough and feeling too much that there was no time to think. Thinking was too dangerous.

Loki clung to him and shied away in equal turns. Thor tried to soothe him, nuzzling the side of his face and sweeping a comforting hand across his hair. It was only when Thor brushed a chaste kiss across the prominent line of his cheek bone that he realized Loki was weeping.

Distraught, Thor cradled Loki’s face in his hands and shushed him quietly with half-broken phrases of reassurance.

“This needs to stop,” Loki said. He blinked up at Thor with tears clinging to his eyelashes. “I can’t…I can’t keep doing this... _to him_. There must be a limit to how shitty a person can be. I think I’ve reached mine.”

Thor’s breath hitched as the meaning of Loki’s words hit him. But what else could he do but nod in agreement?

The next day after class as Thor’s feet instinctively started along the path to Loki’s apartment, Thor had to stop himself. Feeling hollowed out, he stared up at the apartment building. Then he deliberately turned around.

Forty-five minutes later Loki pulled open the door, looking pale and drawn. “Thor,” he started wearily.

Thor held up the bag of groceries in his hand wordlessly with a hopeful look in his blue eyes.

Mouth slightly agape, Loki stood motionlessly. Finally his lips curved into a tremulous smile and Thor felt relief well up in his chest.

“What’s on the menu?” Loki asked.

* * *

“Thor. Thor! Hold up for a minute!” Steve gasped.

Thor pulled his attention away from the steady beat of his feet on the ground. He slowed to a stop and looked at Steve who was bent over beside him and breathing in noisily.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. Steve didn’t tire easily.

Steve drew in a long breath and exhaled before straightening up. “Are you?” he shot back. His face was red from exertion.

“I’m fine.” Thor immediately knew that he’d answered too quickly to be believable.

“Yeah? Then how come the past few weeks your work outs have started to look more like some kind of punishment,” Steve said. “Even you have your limit and I think you passed it about four miles ago.”

Thor bristled. “If it’s too much for you, you can always tap out,” he said tauntingly.

Steve didn’t take the bait. “Tony says you’re drinking a lot. Something I never thought I’d hear from Tony Stark of all people.”

“Since when do you two talk?”

Setting his hands on his hips, Steve told him bluntly, “Since we’re worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be,” Thor said, annoyed.

“Is this about Loki?”

Thor froze. “Steve,” he warned.

Of course, Steve never backed down from a challenge. “Have you talked to him? Or your brother? Because it looks an awful lot like you’re avoiding confrontation by working yourself to exhaustion.”

Thor clenched his jaw. There hadn’t been much talking. Their relationship now was a far cry from the rough, wordless sex they’d had at the start of the semester and was but a shade of the friendship they had originally built. Once a week they would tensely make dinner together and then have stilted conversation as they ate. Thor didn’t think things had been this awkward even when they’d hardly known each other.

“Oh, there’s been confrontation,” Thor said evasively, thinking on the initial meeting outside the coffee shop and the days that followed.

Steve wasn’t fooled. “But has there been resolution?” he asked.

“There isn’t any to be had. I’m the one who fucked up. Who crossed a line that I had no business crossing.” Thor smiled unhappily. “I don’t even fucking regret it. I didn’t think of Baldur at all. To be honest, I’m still not thinking about him. I’m such a piece of shit.”

Reaching out, Steve squeezed Thor’s shoulder supportively. “I’ve heard that it can do that to people. Love.”

Thor scoffed. “I somehow don’t see that happening to you.”

Steve smiled self-deprecatingly. “You’d be surprised. Sharon and I didn’t have the cleanest start.”

Oh. Right. “Peggy,” Thor remembered.

Wincing half-jokingly, Steve nodded. “Yeah. Peggy.”

“Any wisdom to pass on?” Thor asked.

Steve thought about it. “This isn’t the sort of thing that’s generalizable. Every situation is different. Peggy and I had only been on two dates when I met Sharon. It was still…I should have done things differently.” Looking uncomfortable, Steve sighed. “You’ll know if it’s worth whatever selfish things you have to do. You’ll just…know.”

“That’s not the problem. I already know. Have known since the start,” Thor confided.

“Oh,” Steve said with understanding. Then he grinned empathetically and slapped Thor on the shoulder. “Then the next part is easy, but also harder. You don’t do anything. Let him work out his decision on his own and hope for the best.”

Thor shoved Steve playfully. “Oh, is that all?” he said sarcastically.

“Easy, right?”

Thor snorted. “Yeah. And also really fucking hard.”


	11. Year Four: Summer Part I

That summer was like a twisted and incredibly lengthy form of déjà vu. Thor was back at _Borsson & Sons_, but with more responsibilities due to being one year into his MBA. Loki was back as well, comfortably navigating the front desk by himself while Gudrun was on maternity leave. Their lunches on the rooftop remained a constant.

Baldur had even returned to the theatre orchestra, earning a position as first chair.

Yes, so many things were the same, especially the longing. But Thor found that coveting Loki as a stranger to his most intimate touch was a shade compared to the heartbreak he suffered now. Now when he stumbled upon Loki and Baldur exchanging soft affection it was with the knowledge of how it felt to be in Baldur’s place.

It hurt so much more than he could have imagined.

Worse yet, outside of their work lunches, Loki was avoiding him. It may have been a consequence of Baldur’s rehearsals being moved to the morning rather than late at night, however even on days when Baldur was otherwise occupied Loki never sought out Thor’s company.

As hard as it was, Thor followed Steve’s advice. He waited patiently, letting Loki set the pace. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary. Hadn’t Loki always set the pace? Or perhaps not. Thor had always pushed for more, was always pushing.

Not this time.

Thor sat through painfully awkward lunches that hardly resembled the previous summer’s, needing a reason to exist in a place alone with Loki but hating that he was getting a hollow version of Loki rather than anything genuine. Loki had retreated into himself, back to being the boy Thor had first met: sullen and unsmiling. Loki could barely look at him. Thor felt like he was withering away from the inside out.

Still, he was resolved to wait it out. For Loki. But he was so close to breaking.

It was five o’clock when Thor drove home from _Borsson & Sons_ with Loki in the passenger seat. The driveway was otherwise empty when Thor parked outside his house; Odin was on a business trip and Frigga was at a charity board meeting. Baldur’s rehearsal must have been running late.

Thor left Loki in the living room, going upstairs to change out of his stuffy work clothes. He exited his room to see Loki in the hallway on the phone, one hand on doorknob of Baldur’s room.

Loki was humming into his phone and turned slightly, startled by Thor’s presence. The surprise was immediately replaced with unease before he retreated to Baldur’s bedroom.

Thor hesitated, unsure. He then he strode forward in time to stop Baldur’s door from swinging shut. Standing awkwardly in the doorway, he watched as Loki stood by the window and spoke into the phone in a low, soothing voice. There was a soft warmth to his words and Thor knew instantly who was on the other end of the line.

Hands curling into fists by his side, Thor stared at Loki with burning eyes. He willed Loki to notice, to look back at him.

Loki didn’t. His entire focus was on his phone conversation, thin fingers playing with his hair as his lips curved into a shy smile.

Thor snapped.

Stalking forward, he yanked the phone out of Loki’s hand and hung up. He tossed it uncaringly onto Baldur’s desk.

“Thor, what –” Loki started angrily.

Thor cut him off. “Look at me,” he ordered. He caged Loki’s jaw in both hands and forced Loki’s face to his.

Green eyes glared at him. “You –”

“I need you to look at me,” Thor said. “I hate when you’re not looking at me. I _hate_ …I hate when you look at other people that way. When you smile at other people _that way_. I want to be the only person you smile for.”

“You sound fucking _deranged_ ,” Loki said, eyes wide. He swiped his tongue across his plush bottom lip absently.

“And you don’t sound at all bothered,” Thor countered, baring his teeth in a savage grin.

Loki started at that, trying to back away.

Thor didn’t let him.

He realized he had been going about this all wrong. Yes, he had always pushed for more, but Loki had always accepted, had begun to meet him half way. Loki needed the push, needed reassurance that the desire was real, that he was _wanted_. Loki could take anything Thor could give and return it in full, but he was too used to being unwanted to ever be the instigator. 

Thor dragged his hands down Loki’s arms until his fingers were wrapped tightly around Loki’s wrists and then he pulled.

Falling against his chest, Loki gasped sharply.

“I am sick to _death_ of sharing you,” Thor ground out. “And I have _always_ been sharing you.” He squeezed Loki’s wrists, just a short pulse, and felt Loki shudder against him. “No more. Your lips.” Leaning forward, Thor brushed his mouth against Loki’s. It was a dry kiss, their lips catching against each other’s and igniting a spark. “They’re mine. Your gasps and moans? Mine. Your smiles and laughs? All mine. Scream at me. Curse me out. I’ll take it. I’ll take it all.”

Thor pulled Loki into a bruising kiss, wetter than the last. Open-mouthed, he devoured.

“I want all of it,” he whispered between kisses. “All of _you_.”

And, right there in Baldur’s room, Loki gave. He moaned into Thor’s kisses and gasped at the bites Thor sunk into his neck. He cursed when Thor brought him again and again to the edge but refused to let him finish.

When Thor finally pushed into him, holding his wrists down on the mattress, Loki _screamed_.

Afterwards, Thor lay on the bed facing Loki and watched serenely as Loki pressed a thumb against the red skin of his wrist. Slowly he reached out and replaced Loki’s thumb with his own, caressing the tender skin of Loki’s wrist. Then he twined their fingers together deliberately.

Loki let him.

“What have you done to me?” Loki wondered aloud. His voice was rough but content. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Thor grunted questioningly. Most of his attention was fixed on their joint hands. He rubbed his thumb soothingly against Loki’s knuckles.

“I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about you,” Loki confessed.

Thor looked at him then, couldn’t not look at him. Loki was looking back.

Thor grinned brilliantly.

Frowning at him, the downturned corners of Loki’s lips eventually began to waver in the face of Thor’s unflappable beam. Huffing out a laugh, Loki rolled his eyes.

“Dork,” Loki muttered, eyes averted.

Despite Loki’s best efforts, Thor could see that he was hiding a smile.


	12. Year Four: Summer Part II

Loki vindictively dumped Baldur in an email at lunch the next day. “I thought about snapchatting him, but I wouldn’t want to deny him his right to re-read it obsessively,” Loki mused. They were on the rooftop as usual and Loki was lying with his head pillowed in Thor’s lap.

Combing his thick fingers through Loki’s hair, Thor suspected that he should act more disapproving. Truthfully he was too thrilled with the immediacy of an email breakup to try and convince Loki to do it over the phone or in person. He didn’t like the idea of Baldur being able to fight his case and talk Loki out of breaking up.

Besides, after fucking his brother’s boyfriend on his brother’s bed, Thor could kiss any pretense at decency behind.

Despite his apparent nonchalance, Thor could feel the tension in Loki’s body. He massaged Loki’s scalp tenderly.

“He was the first person…the _only_ person to give a fuck about me for years,” Loki said quietly.

Thor continued to move his fingers soothingly at Loki’s temple.

“I really thought…I really thought that I could trust him. That he would never hurt me. _Stupid_ ”

Thor wanted to say it wasn’t. He wanted to say that Loki could trust _Thor_. That he could trust Thor with his wellbeing and his happiness. With his heart. But Thor didn’t think that Loki could believe that right now, so he would wait.

Thor would tell him later when Loki was ready to hear it. For now, he would do his best to show that he was worthy of that trust.

“And even though I still…” Loki cut himself off. “There’s a part of me that’s still so _angry_. That hates him for abandoning me then.” He turned and pressed his face into Thor’s thigh, eyes shut.

Thor just kept winding his fingers through Loki’s hair.

Shortly after this Loki’s phone began buzzing nonstop for a full fifteen minutes. It became so disruptive that Loki had to turn it off before the end of their lunch break.

It wasn’t until an hour had passed that Thor’s phone rang.

Thor had been so sure that his descent into shittiest big brother ever was glaringly obvious that he was genuinely surprised by the name on the caller ID. Slipping out of the office into an empty nook at the end of the corridor, Thor stared helpless at his phone. He debated not answering and just pretending he had missed the call. But it’s not like Baldur couldn’t try to catch him in person back at home where Thor’s awkwardness would be even more apparent.

Feeling completely unprepared and on the edge of panic, Thor hit ‘answer’.

“Hey, Baldur, what’s going on?” Thor asked a little too loudly into the phone and cringed.

“Have you seen Loki? Was he acting strange?” Baldur sounded frantic.

Thor frowned down at his feet guiltily. “Uh…no? He seemed like he always does?”

“He sent me this weird email – we don’t email each other, so it was weird anyway. I checked it right away and – he just – I think he…broke up with me?”

“Really?” Thor croaked out.

Baldur didn’t seem to hear him. “Can you just…check on him? Or something? I need to know what’s wrong!” he said, words rushed and urgent.

Thor hedged. “I…I’m a bit busy here, Baldur. And Loki’s working too,” he said as apologetically as he could manage.

“Thor, please! Just –” Baldur stopped for a second and sighed. “No, you’re right. You’re right, I…I’ll go by his house tonight after rehearsal ends. I should head back. Bye.”

Baldur hung up without another word.

Thor was tempted to drop by the reception desk or at least message Loki but he refrained. He stayed at his desk and tried his best to work, pen tapping incessantly on the tabletop and eyes trained on the clock.

He didn’t get much done.

At 5:00pm sharp Thor met Loki at the reception desk. They walked out together as usual but Thor stopped in front of the building.

“I guess I should drive you home?” he asked. Loki could hardly come back to the Borsson place as he normally would.

Loki shrugged. “I guess you should.”

“Baldur called. He said he would drop by your place after rehearsal,” Thor added.

“Of course,” Loki scoffed. “He broke up with me over a phone call and I didn’t badger him about it.” Loki’s face twisted in displeasure. “I don’t want to argue in front of my parents. They _love_ him.”

Thor couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and clasping Loki gently around his neck. He rubbed his thumb soothingly into the skin there.

Loki let out a shuddering sigh, eyes fluttering shut briefly. Then his lips curved into a coy smile as he blinked up at Thor. “And here I was thinking of finally inviting you home, into my room, into my _bed_ …”

Thor tightened his grip and Loki smirked. “Perhaps on my desk, against the wall; plenty of uncharted territory.” Loki ran a teasing finger up the bare skin of Thor’s arm revealed by his rolled up sleeves.

Thor couldn’t help himself. He surged forward to nip at Loki’s lips. The hand around Loki’s neck held the boy still as Thor _took_.

Then Loki was breaking away with a gasp, stepping out of Thor’s orbit.

Thor frowned at Loki but Loki was looking past him. Thor started to turn and suddenly sharp pain exploded in his jaw.

It hurt but it wasn’t enough to cause Thor to stumble. He turned quickly, ready to defend himself and stopped.

“Baldur!” Loki yelled, shocked.

Baldur’s right hand cradled his left, a grimace of pain on his face. “ _Fuck_ ,” he hissed. He started forward again and Thor didn’t know what to do.

Odin had taught Thor how to throw a punch when he was thirteen. Baldur had never learned.

Loki stepped between them. “Stop it!”

“Get out of the way, Loki!”

“Jesus, the security guard is coming over.” Loki’s hands were on Baldur’s shoulders now. “Baldur, stop,” he urged.

The security guard did indeed come over, undoubtedly recognizing Thor.

“No, it’s just a misunderstanding and it’s _over_ ,” Loki was insisting.

Baldur glared at the ground but was no longer trying to get at Thor.

Thor wasn’t listening to Loki’s words as he tried to assure the security guard. One of Loki’s hands was still on Baldur’s arm and it was all Thor could pay attention to.

Baldur kept his bitter silence until the guard had gone back to his post. Then he spoke. “I can’t believe you would do this to me.” His voice was so cold. His light eyes swept between Thor and Loki so that Thor wasn’t sure who he was addressing.

Both of them, likely.

Then Baldur was storming off, Loki and Thor staring after him.

Loki looked at Thor over his shoulder and then back to Baldur. He opened his mouth, hesitated, and then shut it. With one last glance at Thor, he followed after Baldur.

And Thor…

Thor walked to his car alone and numb. He got into the driver’s seat, started the car and turned off the radio. He stared at his hands on the steering wheel and made no attempt to drive. So many thoughts were thundering through his head that he couldn’t focus on a single one. His mind might as well have been blank.

Loki.

His parents.

Loki.

Odin’s disapproval.

Loki.

Frigga’s disappointment.

Loki.

Baldur’s broken trust.

Loki’s smile.

Loki’s laugh.

Loki’s wide and trusting eyes staring up at Thor.

Loki’s face looking back at Thor before he went after Baldur.

_Loki Loki Loki_

The passenger door opened, startling Thor form his thoughts.

“Loki…”

The other boy sat down and shut the car door. He stared out the windshield, never glancing at Thor even as Thor openly watched him.

“I fucked up.” It was said quietly but the silence around them made it loud. “I knew that but…it wasn’t real. No one else knew, so I could pretend it wasn’t real. But it is. Baldur hurt me so I hurt him back tenfold.”

Thor’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. He hated this feeing. When Loki reduced everything between them as a response to Baldur – a mistake after Baldur left Loki vulnerable, a plot for revenge – it made Thor doubt.

“I hurt you.”

Thor’s eyes widened even as Loki’s shut as if in pain.

“You were never anything but kind to me and I hurt you over and over again. I could tell I was hurting you but I did it anyway because I was looking out for myself. And I’m still hurting you. I ruined your relationship with your brother and, god, when your mother and father find out – ” Loki cut himself off.

Thor winced at the reminder of his parents’ inevitable disappointment and disgust.

Loki huffed out a caustic chuckle. “My father was right: I ruin everything I touch.”

“Loki – ” Thor reached out to touch only to have Loki flinch away.

“Please.” Loki’s hands were curled into fists in his lap. “I can’t. I’m so… _tired_. I’m so tired of being this way.”

Tears started to prick Thor’s eyes. He looked away.

They both sat there, in Thor’s cars, silently staring out the windshield as the sun shone down on the parking lot. They could see employees bustling cheerfully outside, waving goodbye before getting in their cars and driving off. The difference in atmosphere was striking.

Thor didn’t realize how closely he’d been listening to Loki’s breathing until there was a hitch in its rhythm. “I hate myself,” Loki whispered. His voice didn’t waver. There was no evidence of tears. But even while looking out into the now near empty parking lot Thor was somehow certain that Loki was crying.

“I hate myself and if you tell me I shouldn’t, that it’s not my fault, that you still want me …. I’ll be weak because…I want you, too. And I’ll keep hating myself. So _please_. Don’t.”

Thor couldn’t help himself. He turned to look at Loki, drinking in the sight. Loki’s eyes were blinking rapidly, watery and red. His cheeks glistened from tears shed. His thin lips were curled tight into a frown.

It hurt, seeing him this way.

Thor thought of Loki’s heart-stopping smile and how it stung when directed at someone else.

He thought of Loki’s frown, beautiful when gifted to Thor but so, so heartbreaking when directed at himself.

And Thor knew which he preferred.

No matter what he wished, Loki’s smile had never belonged to Thor.

And, Thor realized, it had never belonged to Baldur either.

A smile, especially one as wide and mischievous and full of life as Loki’s, could not be owned. Whether nurtured, or hard won or even freely given, it still could not be kept.

Thor wondered if hearts were the same.

“Okay,” Thor said, finally. “Okay.”

He looked back at the steering wheel and heard the passenger door open and shut.

Thor sat in the parking lot for a very long time.

Then he started up the car and drove home.

* * *

Baldur was waiting for him on the front steps, an ice pack held to his hand. His face was grave, eyes red.

Baldur had always cried easily, Thor remembered. Where Thor’s hurt quickly turned to anger, Baldur’s ended up in tears. Thor absentmindedly brought a hand up to his jaw. He was shocked that Baldur had hit him. It hadn’t been the best punch but it was still going to bruise.

Approaching his brother cautiously, Thor stopped a few feet in front of the porch.

“Why?” Baldur asked softly. He kept his eyes trained on his hand.

There was really only one response Thor could give to that. “I love him,” he said simply.

Baldur started at that. He glared up at Thor with narrowed blue eyes, mouth agape. “ _I_ love him,” he said. “For almost four years! He’s _my boyfriend_ – how could you do that to me?”

“You weren’t together…” Thor said helplessly.

Baldur’s eyes widened in understanding. “So that’s when you… He was hurt and you preyed on him?” he asked, shooting to his feet.

“That’s not how it happened!” Thor denied, but Baldur wasn’t listening.

“Were you waiting around for something to happen, for him to be single so you could swoop right in and –”

“You broke his heart!” Thor shouted. “You did that! _Not me_. I…I just wanted to be his friend. You were both so good together, I was happy to just be his friend. But _you_ pushed him away and he would have started dating someone else whether it was me or not. What did you expect to happen when you broke up with him?”

Standing there with his fists clenched, ice pack forgotten on the porch, Baldur glared at Thor. His face was flushed, cheeks getting redder as Thor continued to speak. There was a new sheen of tears in his eyes. “I still loved him,” he said. “So much. _Too much_. I _hated_ the long distance. I missed him so much I couldn’t concentrate. I was always wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, if it was a good time to call. If he didn’t respond immediately to my texts I worried – what if he was at a party and drank too much or what if he was overworking himself because a classmate tried to sabotage him? He was always on my mind. When I was out, I’d rather be in my room Skyping with him. Or someone would say something or I would see something that would remind me of him and I’d want him to be there with me _so badly_ …”

Baldur was blinking back tears now, sniffling pitifully. Thor’s heart hurt. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to hear about how much Baldur loved Loki. Not when Thor loved Loki too.

“The summer was such a relief, being back with him again. And Loki missed me too, I know, but I could tell…I could tell that it hadn’t been as bad for him. He hadn’t missed me nearly as much as I missed him,” Baldur said tearfully. “It…it got into my head. When we went back to school, we texted a bit but I was waiting for him to call first. It took him a week. Then _that_ got into my head and I…I don’t know.” Baldur shook his head. “You know he didn’t even ask why? Just hung up. Defriended me online the same day. Didn’t text or call, not even drunk. It was like confirmation of how easily he could forget me.”

Thor frowned. “He didn’t forget,” he said reluctantly. But Loki didn’t deserve to have his pain downplayed and Baldur deserved to know. “He used my account to check on you, obsessively. He stopped drinking when he went out…I think he was afraid of contacting you without anyone to stop him.  He would get quiet sometimes, and really sad, and there was nothing that would knock him out of it, he would just lay in his bed for hours. He was hurting, he just hid it well.”

Baldur laughed wetly. “I thought so too, when we got back together. During Christmas I knew he’d be alone with his parents and I…I _had_ to check on him. So I texted him. He responded. _Angrily_. It’s stupid…but I was surprised. I’d convinced myself that he didn’t care, that he probably wouldn’t even respond or if he did it would be some emotionless ‘Don’t contact me again’ or something. But he responded and he kept responding when I texted and when I called and when I asked to meet he said yes. And when I saw him and I saw the way he looked at me I realized how crazy I’d been to think that he didn’t care.” Baldur sneered, an unfamiliar expression on his face. “I guess I was right, though. After all, he had you the whole time.”

“Baldur – ”

“Don’t,” Baldur said, softly, defeated. “I never thought _you_ would do his to me,” he repeated. He turned to enter the house. “I’m going to go back to Alfheim. I…I can’t be around you right now.”

“ _Stay_ ,” Thor said immediately. “I’ll leave. I’m the one who – I’m the one who should go.”

“And bail on Father? Second chair would be happy to take my spot. But you’re the son in _Borsson & Sons_, not me.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Thor insisted.

And he did. It wasn’t a fun conversation but Thor was an adult: Odin could hardly stop him. And, Thor suspected, Frigga likely smoothed the way. By that weekend Thor was driving back up to SHIELD, an unpaid internship lined up at Heimdall’s firm and a part time server job at a restaurant Darcy bartended.

Loki had, apparently, also put in his two weeks. But if he stayed in town or also went back to SHIELD, Thor didn’t know.

He did as Loki asked. He kept away.


	13. Year Four/Five: Summer/Fall Semester/Christmas

A festive pink drink invaded Thor’s field of vision, a bright blue mini umbrella hanging over the rim. He raised his head from where he was curled over an empty table, wiping it down with large, efficient swipes of a rag.

“Looked like you could use it,” Darcy said with an easy grin. “On the house.”

A weak smile curled Thor’s lips in the face of Darcy’s unyielding pep, not at all diminished by a long shift late into the night. “I’m not going to ask if you’re allowed to do that because I already know the answer.” He accepted the drink regardless. “Thanks.”

Darcy took this as an invitation to sit down at the table Thor had just finished cleaning. Under her expectant stare Thor found himself taking the seat across from her.

“So…” she drawled, leaning forward, chin resting on curled hands. Her elbows were on the table; Thor was going to have to give it another wipe down. “How’s it going, big guy? Feels like I haven’t seen you in ages. Which is funny, considering I’ve seen you nearly every day for the past three weeks charming everyone and getting those tips.”

“Sorry I haven’t been able to go out with you guys,” Thor said sheepishly. He’d passed on most of the invites to hang out with his friends. It hadn’t been intentional. “My days are pretty packed. At Heimdall’s on weekdays, here on most weeknights and weekends. I haven’t even been able to fit in a good workout for days.” He sighed.

“You know you could take less shifts,” Darcy pointed out. “You snatch up every extra shift and you’re the first to volunteer when someone takes a day off. Ian tells me these things.”

Thor shrugged, taking a sup of the cocktail. “I’m not getting paid at the firm, so…” He shrugged again.

“Yeah, but your rents covered, right? I mean, you’ve never subletted before, so I figure if it can stay empty but paid for over the summer, you’re good on that front. And you never work during the school year, so groceries and shit can’t be the problem. And no matter how big you smile and how easily you charm those tips right out of our customers’ wallets, I _know_ there’s no way you actually enjoy being here,” Darcy persisted.

“It’s not that bad,” Thor protested. “Ian’s cool, you’re cool, the customers are – ”

“Cool?” Darcy said with a quirk of her thick, neatly kept brows.

Thor nodded. He plucked the mini umbrella out of the drink and twirled it between his fingers. It looked even smaller in his large hands.

Darcy huffed. “God, Thor. Is this about Loki? What happened there anyway?”

Thor fumbled with the umbrella, dropping it on the tabletop. “We’re not together…”

“Because of your brother? I saw that shit online but his status has been single for weeks now so I figured you won your man back! But I don’t think you’re the neglectful, workaholic boyfriend type, so…it didn’t work?” She looked up at him with wide, curious eyes that Thor could barely meet.

“He didn’t want to be won,” Thor said. “And I fucked up things at home so I can’t stay there but I’m not going to make my parents pay for me avoiding my brother. I do actually need the money, Darcy.”

“Okay, you need the money,” Darcy conceded. “But that doesn’t mean you’re not still isolating yourself. No one said you can’t multitask.”

“I’m surrounded by people all day. At the firm and here. I’m not isolated.”

Darcy leveled an unamused look at him. “Handing out menus and refilling water doesn’t count as socialization, Thor. Look, Bruce is having a game night on Saturday. I know you’re not working and Ian’s not going to schedule you a shift if you ask. You’re coming to game night and if you don’t show then game night is coming to you and if we have to come to you then I’m gonna vote monopoly and make you suffer through Tony getting way too aggressive about it.”

She’s wasn’t kidding and Thor knew it. So he went to game night. Then when he tried to pick up an extra shift the next Sunday, Ian told him it was already covered and then Sam and Steve turned up at his door bright and early and ready for a run.

The next week he was dragged out to drinks with Natasha, Clint and Bucky. The week after that it was a party at Tony’s.

Thor stopped fighting it and by the end of the summer his work and social life were actually balanced.

With the start of the fall semester that balance was shot to hell. His internship hours clashed with his classes so he had to give it up and he lost his job at the restaurant to regular workers back from vacation.  He didn’t really need the money – Odin wasn’t going to cut him off – but it kept him busy. There was a hole he had been trying hard to fill with work and now there was a hole in his schedule to match.

 The kitchen was mostly unused. Take out was a near daily experience. His feet kept taking him down wrong turns to places he was no longer welcome. He didn’t drink as much; didn’t keep alcohol in the house and would switch to water after no more than three beers. He ended up at a bookshop with Natasha after a coffee run and found himself buying a copy of Descartes’ _A Discourse on the Method_ that he never opened.

Thor had never missed someone before. Not really. When he was away from home he thought of his family and his childhood friends fondly. He tucked away little stories to share and looked forward to seeing them again. He did the same with his university friends when he went back to his hometown. It was a happy feeling.

This…this was heartache. It was eating something familiar with a sinking stomach. It was meeting a joke with hollow laughter. It was turning to share a smile and getting a gut punch of loneliness. It was a barrage of good memories drained of all joy, tainted with misery. It was an ever present longing. It was there during class and when he spoke with professors. It was there in the corner store when he picked up eggs. It was there when Heimdall reiterated his offer for when Thor graduates. It was there on game night when Thor was winning at Risk. It was there at the bar, at the bottom of Thor’s ginger ale. It was in his kitchen, his living room, his bed. It was there on Thanksgiving when he went to Tony’s and Pepper’s dinner party alone.

* * *

It was the week before Christmas break and Thor had just finished his last project. It still needed some editing but the groundwork was laid. He put his laptop down and picked up his sketch book, idly thumbing through the pages. He planned to get back into sketching over the break – he hadn’t even touched the book until the internship at Heimdall’s and hadn’t had a chance since either. Christmas would be a good time to get back into it. There was an architecture class that he wanted to audit – it might put a bit of a strain on his required courses but he thought he could pull it off.

His phone rang. Thor frowned a little at being interrupted, setting the sketchbook back on the table. Grabbing his phone, he stopped short of answering. It was home.

Odin rarely called: he wasn’t one for idle chitchat and would only phone when there was something important to discuss. Frigga wasn’t the overbearing type. Though Thor suspected she would love daily phone calls, she seemed content enough with speaking once a month and listening to even the dullest moments of Thor’s life with rapture.

Thor hadn’t spoken with either of them since the summer.

Maybe it was Odin, calling to talk about _Borsson & Sons_, wanting to finalize Thor’s future. Thor was sorely tempted to let it ring off. The guilt he felt for skipping out this summer forced his hand.

“Hello?” He spoke into the receiver, leaning into the back of his chair.

“Thor…”

Blue eyes widened as Thor sat up, spine straightening out. “Mother?”

Frigga’s voice was weary. “Thor, your father and I, we missed you at Thanksgiving.”

“Mom…” There was a tremble in Thor’s voice that he couldn’t control. He noticed that she hadn’t mentioned Baldur. “I don’t –”

“This is still your home,” Frigga said, cutting in gently but firmly. “And we are still your family.”

Thor hesitated.

“Thor, _please_ , come home for Christmas.”

He sighed. “Okay. I will.”

* * *

Frigga greeted him with a hug and a strained smile, Odin with the usual hand on his shoulder. Baldur didn’t greet him at all.

Thor glanced back at his car. It was late. Traffic would be low. He could shave an hour off the drive if he left for SHIELD now.

Instead he took a deep breath and entered the house.

Dinner was quiet. Thor didn’t have to field as many questions from his mother as he typically did. Perhaps she was afraid he would speak about Loki and say something she didn’t want to hear. His father faced the bulk of her conversation starters, happy to drone on about the business. Baldur was conspicuously missing.

Later in the evening Frigga was reading in the living room, reading glasses falling low on her nose and a throw she had knit herself set over her lap. Her face looked relaxed for the first time that night so Thor left her to it. He ducked out to the porch and found his father sitting on the steps, beer in hand.

Odin turned at the sound of the door opening and nodded at Thor. He gestured at the five unopened bottles sitting in the pack in offering. Shutting the door behind him, Thor joined his father on the steps but didn’t take a beer.

Mind still on his mother, Thor sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said.

Odin took a long pull of his beer before setting it down on the porch. “For what? Being stupid and selfish?”

Thor winced at the harsh words but Odin kept speaking without pause.

“You’re young. All three of you. It’s expected.”

Surprised, Thor turned to look at his father but found Odin staring out at the dark sky, weight resting on his knees.

After a long pause, Odin spoke again. “You have never been serious about anything, Thor. It worries me. You never brought anyone home for dinner. You played football so well but didn’t strive for captaincy, though it would have been easy. You had so little interest in any of your classes and spent your summers working at that store to fund your little adventures with your friends instead of doing anything worthwhile. Your brother was always different from you. He showed such passion from a young age. He arranged his own music lessons and went to that camp to improve himself. He chose his own classes and knew exactly which school and which program he wished to get into. Baldur has always known exactly what he wants.” Odin heaved a sigh. “Meanwhile you entered SHIELD on a whim. So I try my best to guide my aimless son and then he comes back after his freshman year of university and tells me he wants to be an architect. Out of the blue.”

Thor startled. “Father, I – ”

“And then with that boy! Loki. He’s a good kid that your brother cares for very much. My son who has always coasted so easily in life is suddenly causing so much trouble.” Odin picked up his beer again and took a sip. He finally turned away from the stars just peeking into the night to look at Thor with eyes a clear blue they both shared. “Are you serious about this?” he asked with a probing look, face grave.

If he meant Loki or architecture, Thor wasn’t sure. The answer was the same. “Yes.” Thor nodded, trying to convey the sincerity he felt in his expression alone.

Odin looked at him a little longer, eyes sweeping his face. Then he nodded as well. “Good.” He took another swig of his beer and turned back to the sky. “Now go speak to your mother. You’ve stressed her poor heart enough.”

Heaving himself up carefully, Thor walked back inside. He approached Frigga hesitantly, reluctant to disrupt the calm that had settled over the living room as she flipped a page of her novel.

He steeled himself. “Mom,” he said softly.

She paused, a page held between her fingertips. “Yes, dear?” she asked, looking at him over the top of her glasses.

“Can we talk?” Thor asked, “About Baldur?”

Frigga set the book down in her lap and folded her hands atop the hardcover. “Yes, of course,” she said, her face grave.

Thor took a seat beside her. “I didn’t mean to – I didn’t _want_ to hurt him,” he told her. Because that was the root of Frigga’s disappointment. Not what he had done _with_ Loki but what he had done _to_ Baldur. If it had been anyone else, a family friend, even cousin Vidarr, Frigga would not have been half as upset. Baldur had allowed himself to be coddled much longer than Thor and in doing so had cemented his spot as Frigga’s baby. Baldur’s hurt had always turned to sadness that lent itself to the soothing comfort of Frigga’s arms whereas Thor’s quickly turned to anger which Odin taught him to deal with through sports. Even now Frigga was used to taking care of Baldur’s pain.

“Oh, Thor. I know that,” Frigga said. “But regardless of intent, you _did_ hurt your brother.” She stared at Thor for a moment, eyes softening. She pet his head with a warm hand. “You love this boy, truly.”

It wasn’t phrased as a question but Thor nodded in response.

“Good.” Frigga continued to comb his hair with her fingers. “My son’s first love,” she mused quietly, “How can I fault you for falling so deeply?” Suddenly Frigga pinched his cheek and Thor jumped at the slight sting. “Be kind to your brother. Then he may forgive you sooner,” she said. After a thoughtful moment she added, “And be kind to Loki, as well as yourself. The best love is healing rather than painful.”

* * *

Baldur spent so little time in the house over the week long winter break that it was almost like he wasn’t there. Thor felt guilty that he seemed to be driving his brother out of his home. So he tried to go out with friends to allow Baldur the opportunity to spend time with their parents without having to endure Thor’s presence.

On the Friday when Thor was about to drive back up to SHIELD, Baldur sought him out. He didn’t say anything at first, just stood watching as Thor threw his bag into the backseat. With nothing else to occupy him, Thor leaned against his car and met Baldur’s gaze. He wouldn’t leave until Baldur had said what he needed to say.

“Are you going to see him?” Baldur finally asked, mouth set in a thin line.

Thor’s lips parted in silent surprise. “No,” he said. “We haven’t seen each other since…” He trailed off. It hurt to admit.

Baldur’s eyes widened minutely. Then he nodded. “Good,” he said plainly though the news didn’t appear to satisfy him.

Then he turned on his heel and reentered the house.

Thor got in his car and pulled out of the driveway, relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative chapter title: "Good."


	14. Year Five: Winter Semester

This was progress, Thor thought. The vegetarian borscht was simmering on the stovetop. He swept away the few wisps of hair that had fallen out of his bun. Cold fingertips brushed against heated cheeks during the motion and Thor frowned at the wet feeling. There was tomato paste on his hands. He ran his hands under the tap briefly and rubbed at his cheek with a wet palm.

It was a Sunday night before he had to face his second week of classes. Accounting, finance and strategic management were a bore but Thor was hopeful about his sustainable architecture course.

Thor was giving the pot a quick stir, one eye on the timer, when his phone rang. Replacing the lid, he dried his hands perfunctorily before grabbing his phone.

He expected Steve calling about his art showcase that Friday. Or perhaps Frigga, she was about due for a call. He hadn’t expected Baldur.

“Hey,” Thor said, trying his best to sound open and friendly despite his nerves. Thor had no idea what this was about but if Baldur was reaching out, Thor wanted him to know it was welcome.

“Did you know?” Baldur asked urgently with no preamble.

“Uh…” Thor’s brow furrowed. “Know? Know what?”

“…” There was silence on the line, hesitation, before Baldur replied. “Loki posted something,” he said.

The next sound Thor heard was an empty line. Baldur had hung up.

Thor didn’t waste any time before opening up a web browser. He pulled up Loki’s profile – Loki didn’t have much of an online presence so it was not a page Thor frequented.

There was only one recent post. Dated about an hour ago. It was a night shot of a beautiful fountain. The geographical stamp said Stuttgart, Germany. The caption was short: _Last hurrah before classes tomorrow._

Thumb hovering over the screen of his phone, Thor stared disbelievingly at the post. He sunk down into the couch, eyes still glued to the phone. Within seconds he was scrolling through the rest of the feed and then pulling up all of Loki’s social media when that failed to satisfy. There was nothing else. No talk of going on exchange or of even applying. No sense of how long the stay would be. Thor swiped backwards till he found the photo again. That one seemingly innocuous post. There were a handful of comments: just typical congratulations and envious gushing. Nothing informative. There were one or two familiar names that Thor must have recognized from Loki talking about his classmates.

Accepting that he wasn’t going to get any more information out of the post, Thor turned his screen off and tossed his phone uncaringly onto the coffee table. He sank his face into his hands, his emotions such a mess he ended up just feeling numb.

He fell into a restless sleep on the couch that night.

He tossed the borscht the next morning.

* * *

Thor went through the motions. He attended classes and studied – he owed it to his father to finish. He spent time with his friends – he owed it to their friendship. He thrived in his architecture course and confirmed his place at Heimdall’s firm – he owed it to himself.

It was fine.

He was fine.

But the most he felt was when Loki would post a new photo. Three times a week without fail there would be beautiful shots of beautiful buildings that seemed almost handpicked to fall exactly in line with Thor’s preferences. Thor was jealous of Stuttgart not only for its architecture.

By March Loki hadn’t posted in over two weeks and Thor had started dating again. He had always gotten a lot of attention from both men and women and, apparently, his friendliness often came across as flirting so it wasn’t unusual for people to pursue him. And, in the past, he had reciprocated enthusiastically. He was a frequent dater, racking up casual flings, head always turning at someone new and exciting but somehow avoiding the infamous reputation Tony had built. Thor was the definition of light and fun. Not the type to be tied down.

Sliding back into that routine was remarkably easy, though didn’t hold quite the thrill anymore.

Spring break saw Thor on a third date with Jarnsaxa, a med student introduced to him by Natasha. Well, date was a loose word for the party they were at together. Jarnsaxa was smart and funny and gorgeous and well on her way to becoming a brilliant cardiologist. They were having fun.

But as the night drew to a close, the party quieting down and guests slowly leaving, Thor found himself glancing around as his friends chatted tiredly. Pepper and Tony leaned comfortably into each other even as they had separate conversations with Bruce and Rhodey. Sharon sat comfortably in Steve’s lap as she and Sam teased Steve over something, Steve’s thumbs idly rubbing her hips. Natasha and Bucky seemed to be having a silent conversation with quirked brows and slight smirks.

And Thor realized that fun wasn’t enough for him anymore.

Odin was right. Thor had gotten serious about something.

The next day after Thor had turned down Jarnsaxa’s invitation for a fourth date he couldn’t help searching Loki’s page.

Thor nearly dropped his phone when he saw the update. A photo, but for once not of a building. It was a group shot with several students but Thor only had eyes for one.

The set of Loki’s face gave nothing away. But his eyes held none of the misery from when Thor had seen him last. Loki wasn’t smiling, no, but he looked…content.

Maybe Thor could get there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought to myself: you'll just take a little break, Vi, and work on your research and thesis. Just a couple days.
> 
> Little did I know...but on the bright side, my thesis is written! Still busy collecting data but suddenly back in the author frame of mind and eager to finish this up.


	15. Year Five: Summer

“…So my place, Friday night?”

“Another party?” Sharon asked, ripping off a piece of Tony’s cinnamon bun. Tony glared at her playfully and stuffed the rest of the pastry into his mouth.

Natasha raised her brows over her cup of coffee. “Pass,” she said monotonously, setting her cup down on the crowded table.

Thor was sitting at a café with his friends, already on his second cup of coffee. He’d just written the last exam of his degree that morning and was completely drained yet too high off of being finished with school to think of napping. When he’d ordered his second coffee Thor had committed to staying up the rest of the day.

Steve’s face pulled into a grimace. “Yeah, I’d rather not…” he trailed off, glancing at Sharon when she pouted exaggeratedly at him.

“Not a party,” Tony said, words muffled by his full mouth. He swallowed and said again, “Not a party. A small get together. An intimate gathering. A –”

“Sounds fake,” Clint said.

Steve narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. “Didn’t think the word ‘small’ was in your vocabulary,” he said. As soon as the words left his mouth Steve seemed to regret them.

Thor barked out a laugh while Sharon sniggered into Steve’s shoulder. Tony wiggled his eyebrows suggestively but chose not to make the obvious response. “Yeah, but the word “exclusive” definitely is,” he said instead. “It’ll just be a casual thing with close friends. We all have a lot to celebrate – might as well do it together! Thor’s graduated – ”

“Well…” Thor started.

“Essentially,” Tony clarified, speaking over him. “Brucie and I finally published a paper together, Pepper got a promotion.”

“Sharon made detective,” Steve added, looking like he was coming around to the idea.

“Last week, but I’m down to be celebrated,” Sharon said. “You’ve got your first non-school related art show coming up. And Bucky finally moved out of that hellhole and in with Natasha.”

Natasha smirked but said nothing.

“See! So much stuff! So much to celebrate!” Tony cheered.

“Okay, I’m in, just turn it down a notch. I get the feeling you haven’t slept yet today,” Clint said, hand reaching up to his hearing aid jokingly. He glanced around the shop then. “Darcy’s been a while…oh, there she is.”

They all turned to look. Darcy was standing by the door across the shop, newly bought brownie in hand. She was speaking to someone excitedly with wild gestures and a bounce in her toes.

“Hey, is that…?” Steve started.

Thor stood abruptly.

His skin was a little paler, his hair a little longer, but there was no denying it was Loki. He looked a little taken aback by Darcy’s energy but the set of his shoulders was relaxed. He was wearing black jeans as usual but his shirt was a pale blue, a colour Thor had never seen on him before. He looked good.

Darcy smacked him on the arm and he rolled his eyes at her, lips quirking up at the corner ever so slightly.

Thor was outright staring at this point. Maybe Loki felt it or maybe Darcy said something but Loki lifted his gaze from Darcy’s face and met Thor’s eyes.

There was a brief flash of surprise. Thor’s breath caught in his throat, unsure of Loki’s reaction.

Slowly, green eyes softened. Loki glanced down shyly before looking back up at Thor a little more surely. His lips curled up into a small but genuine smile.

Thor exhaled and felt all the nerves and the jitter leave his body. He sidestepped the tables in shop, meeting Loki halfway.

“Hi,” Loki said shyly, fingers tugging idly at his shirt.

“Hey,” Thor said. “You’re back.” Then, unsure if it was weird to have known Loki had left the country but already committed, he added, “How was Stuttgart?”

“Oh,” Loki said, looking surprised – pleasantly so, Thor hoped. “It was good. I just got back today. I…I thought about staying for the summer, since I didn’t have to be back until classes start in September, but…” Loki trailed off with a shrug.

“Why didn’t you?” Thor asked.

Loki glanced up at him from beneath his lashes. “Stuttgart was beautiful, but…I was missing SHIELD.”

It was quiet for a moment. Thor wondered if he should read into that. He kept his eyes trained on Loki, watching as he nibbled at his bottom lip.

“I was planning to call you…today actually,” Loki said, finally releasing his bottom lip. He swiped a tongue nervously over the bitten skin.

“You were?”

Loki nodded. “I wanted to…see how you were. Maybe ask if you wanted to have dinner…with me. Tonight.”

Thor felt the hope rising within his chest, warm and bubbly. Loki had, inadvertently or not, broken Thor’s heart more than once. But damn if Thor wasn’t ready to put his heart on the line again, as many times as it took. Thor had been told before that he never knew when to quit. He was hardly going to start now, not with this.

But first…

“What about Baldur?” Thor asked. He had to know.

The smile that had been teasing Loki’s lips faltered. He glanced about the shop, eyeing the table filled with Thor’s friends. “You want to talk about that here?”

Thor nodded, uncaring of the audience.

“Okay,” Loki agreed, face grave. “I wanted to say this to you regardless – I suppose the setting doesn’t matter.” He took a deep breath. “Baldur…he was my first, well, he was a lot of my firsts. That’s why it was so difficult to let go, even when it became clear that we just didn’t… _fit_ anymore. I changed. Or he did. Or maybe it was both of us. And it’s not something that I wanted to happen because it was scary. Realizing that the boy that used to make me feel so happy and safe…didn’t anymore. And then there was you…”

Loki paused, looking a little helpless. Thor felt the urge to touch him, hold him, but refrained.

“It felt like you came out of nowhere, just slipping into my life like you were always meant to be there. And when we,” Loki hesitated, blushing lightly. “When we started _seeing_ each other, it happened so quickly and so easily I didn’t have a chance to wrap my head around it. I tried not to think about it too much. Which was stupid. But while I was in Stuttgart…you were all I could think about,” Loki confessed earnestly. “I was really happy when we were together, Thor. I was a mess but somehow you still made me so happy. And I want to make you happy too. I hope that I can. I hope that you’ll let me try.”

Thor gave into the temptation, hand reaching out to cup Loki’s cheek and he could see the relief fill Loki’s body. “You want to – ?”

“I want to try,” Loki said. “Properly this time. It's not ideal; I'm sure people will talk and your entire family already hates me. You being my ex's brother is fucking inconvenient but if that's the only way we would have met then it's worth it because I want _you_. Because of who you are and how you make me feel, not who you're related to. So, will you go on a date with me, Thor? With all the strings attached?”

Thor grinned widely. When Loki returned the gesture, Thor had to kiss him. Just a chaste press to the corner of his lips. Loki leaned into it, eyes slipping shut.

“Dinner at yours tonight?” Thor asked, pulling back just slightly.

With his forehead still pressed against Thor’s, dark eyelashes fanning across his cheeks, Loki shook his head minutely. Green eyes fluttered open and Loki smiled cheekily. “I think we should let someone else cook for once. Maybe somewhere with low lighting and a dress code? I want to see you in your best date clothes.”

“If we’re going all out then I’m expecting you to pick me up at my door,” Thor teased.

Loki scoffed. “Naturally. What do you take me for? I said I wanted to do this properly.”

Thor’s cheeks hurt from how big he was smiling now. “Good. I’m going to hold you to that.”

* * *

_Year Eight: Christmas_

“Are you sure Frigga’s not going to poison me?”

“I’ll taste your food for you,” Thor offered, grinning when he felt a sharp elbow digging into his abdomen.

“I will _leave_ ,” Loki hissed.

Thor rang the doorbell. “Oops, too late,” he said cheerfully, earning another elbow to the gut.

“Thor,” Loki was saying, voice bordering on a whine as thin fingers clung to Thor’s arm. “I changed my mind – your mom _hates_ me. We need to – ”

The door swung open, interrupting Loki’s panicked spiral.

“Thor!” Frigga said with a smile and open arms. Thor accepted the hug even as he linked hands with Loki reassuringly. When Frigga let go she turned to Loki, smile less enthusiastic but still reaching her eyes. “And Loki. Thank you for coming,” she said, setting her hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.

Loki blinked in surprise. “Thank you for having me,” he said quietly.

Frigga smiled again, wider this time. “You can put your coats away. We’re all just in the dining room – the table’s already set – join us when you’re ready.”

This time it was Thor nudging Loki with his elbow as the younger man stared after Frigga’s retreating figure, bewildered. “ _See_. She doesn’t hate you. She’s the one that invited you to Christmas dinner. It’s been three years, Loki.”

Loki was worrying his lip. “She said the table's set and they're _all_ in the dining room - does that mean Baldur's already here…?”

“Hey,” Thor said, turning Loki’s face back to him. He carefully unraveled the golden scarf from around Loki’s neck, folding it carefully between his hands. He placed a careful kiss against Loki’s forehead, feeling his lover relax beneath his lips. “Everything will be fine. I've got you.”

Loki took a deep, shuddering breath before nodding. “Okay.” He glanced up at Thor, eyes warm and enamoured. When Thor nudged their noses together a helpless smile spread across Loki’s lips.

It was a tender thing, not the wide and daring smile that had captured Thor’s heart all those years ago.

Loki had many smiles. Playful, sly, mocking, delighted. Thor loved each and every one of them. There was a smile for every occasion.

But this one…

This was soft, loving. It was a new smile, only a few years old.

And it was Thor’s.


	16. Year Eight: Christmas (Alternate)

Thor stood at the foot of the porch and exhaled loudly, watching his breath spiral out into the winter air. It was his first Christmas home in two years. Cars lined the driveway; Thor had had to park a few yards down the street. The house was lit up. Odin and Frigga took hanging Christmas lights very seriously.

He trudged up the porch steps and opened the door without knocking. It was unlocked as expected. Borssons and Fjörgynnsons filled his family home for the first fully coordinated Christmas party in years: the reason Odin and Frigga had both insisted he come. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him, and almost got bowled over by three young children running past. Thor huffed out a laugh, amused. He unraveled his silver scarf and stuffed it along with his coat into the overflowing closet.

Exchanging casual hellos with some distant cousins lingering in the hallway, Thor made his way to the kitchen. A mouthwatering smell was exuding out of the kitchen, four women bustling around chatting merrily as they chopped and stirred and drank wine.

“Thor!” Frigga exclaimed, pulling him into a giddy, wine-scented hug.

“Thor!” his aunts cheered, stealing their own hugs as soon as he was out of his mother’s arms.

Thor laughed, returning the cheek kisses and warm embraces. “Hi Aunt Freyja, Lofn, Hlín, Gná.”

“Look at you! So handsome!” Freyja cooed, pinching his cheek.

“Your mother was telling us about you getting to design that new building for Worthington Industries!”

Thor grinned. “It’s not just me, but I am leading the team.”

“How exciting!”

“We’re very proud,” Frigga said, linking her arm with the one Thor was using to hold a bag filled with gifts. “The bottom of the tree was getting too crowded and the children kept nearly tripping over the pile of gifts so we’ve moved most of them to the guest room for now.” She started to lead him out of the kitchen, calling back to kitchen, “Hlín, dear, keep an eye on the roast, will you?”

His mother led him upstairs to the guest room, little anecdotes about his relatives keeping them both entertained.

The guest room really was flooded with presents of all shapes and sizes despite the secret Santa nature of the gift-giving for the adult family members, a testament to how large his family was. Thor threw his own presents carelessly on the bed: there was nothing fragile in them. Frigga shot him a fond but disapproving look.

“It’s good to have you here,” Frigga said, cupping Thor’s face in her hands and making him feel all of five years old. “Thank you for coming.”

“And miss out on Aunt Idunn’s apple pie?” Thor joked.

Frigga laughed lightly and then her face turned somber. “It seems dinner will be later than I promised – at least another hour. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Thor said.

“You’re doing well?” she said firmly, less of a question than a declaration. She didn’t ask him if he was happy. She hadn’t asked that in a while.

Thor nodded.

She nodded as well, squeezing his face gently in her hands before letting go. “I should get back to the kitchen. Frejya will have coaxed them all into another glass of wine and at this rate nothing will get done.”

“Sure, mom.”

He followed her back to the stairs at a slower pace, stopping at the top of the staircase. There was a framed photo there. The last time he had been here it had been taken down. It was from Christmas five years ago, four blond heads and one brunet lined up in front of the tree. When Thor finally dragged his eyes away he found that his mother had disappeared back to the kitchen.

Thor started down the stairs, figuring he should join the party in the living room. Midway down, the front door swung open. A young couple stumbled in, a brunet and a blond. They were whispering to each other, faces bright with joy. The blond said something in a hushed voice that had the dark haired man throwing his head back in wild laughter.

Thor stared, captivated. The grin that stretched the man’s face was so carefree and full of life. It was the same smile Thor fell for all those years ago.

Loki was still the same boy Thor fell for all those years ago.

This time Thor had the sense of mind to look to Baldur and he saw in his younger brother a mirror. Baldur was looking at Loki with all the love in the world, just as enamoured by his happiness.

Loki turned more fully into the house, away from Baldur, laughter still tugging the corner of his lips as he tugged at his golden scarf. Green eyes met Thor’s and there was a brief flash of surprise. Thor’s breath caught in his throat, unsure of Loki’s reaction.

The smile dropped from Loki’s face. Loki glanced back at Baldur, almost instinctively, before looking back up at Thor with unsure eyes. His thin lips curled up into a hesitant smile no less beautiful to Thor but the guilt that stained it left a bitter taste at the back of Thor’s throat.

Baldur was looking at him too, pale blue eyes soft, pitying. He had never been able to hold a grudge. Still, there was an air of protectiveness as he curled an arm around Loki's waist; Baldur was an inch or two shorter but his broader frame fit well around Loki's. And Loki was turning into his chest and it felt like Thor was being dismissed. An echo of their first meeting eight years ago: Loki's attention only momentarily drawn when Thor made himself known, quickly finding it's way back to Baldur. 

Thor was temporary. A distraction. A mistake, as Loki had once said.

A predator, sweeping in when Loki had been vulnerable, as Baldur had once said.

Perhaps that was true to some extent. Perhaps without the break up, Loki would never have given him a second glance. Or perhaps if Thor hadn't returned Loki's desperate kiss, Loki and Baldur would have gotten back together more easily. 

Despite Thor's interference they had managed to recover well enough. The moment Loki had touched down from Stuttgart he had caught the first bus to Alfheim. There had been pictures posted for all to see within the month; Thor had heard the story secondhand from Frigga, the happiness in her voice poorly hidden as she tried to sympathize with him.

Perhaps Loki had always been meant for Baldur. Thor had managed to steal a moment, a precious couple of months. But it was borrowed time, always meant to end. 

After all, that first smile, the one that conquered Thor so thoroughly, hadn't been for him.

Loki had been looking at Baldur then.

Loki was looking at Baldur now.

And Baldur was pressing a comforting kiss to Loki's hair before glancing back up to look at Thor. When their eyes met once more, Baldur offered him a nod and a small smile. Of course bright Baldur could smile so kindly at the brother who had wronged him. He was the softer brother, sweeter, less arrogant and aggressive. Frigga's favourite. He was the single-minded artist, devoted to his dream, not fumbling around unsure of his path. He may not have been Odin's choice for an heir to the family business, but, where it mattered most, he had been the one chosen. He was the one with Loki in his arms. Of course Baldur's smile came so easily.

Maybe that’s why when Thor smiled back it felt like a grimace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done!
> 
> This was a trip. Thank you so much to the people who read and left comments. I had a vision for this fic, but your comments helped me shape it and refine it - truthfully there's not that much Baldur in this fic, but can you believe there was even less in the original drafts? And your comments are the reason I added this alternate chapter, so that Baldur could get his happy ending too.


End file.
